Word Count:
813
Rating:
PG13 (to be safe).
Category:
Angst.
Story Status:
Complete
Summary:
Blair's first hour back at the University
Beta:
Thank you to Jayne Perry for the beta-reading and pattrose for the cover art. All other artwork is by me.
The First Hour
By Leesa Perrie
It felt strange. To walk, albeit slowly and with crutches,
into
my office at Hargrove Hall after all this time.
It’s
fortunate that there is a back entrance with a ramp, and an elevator to
get to other floors, or else I would have had to go backwards up the
steps on my backside. That would have been really
embarrassing.
I’m trying to remain positive. This is the first
hour of
truly getting my life back together. But the looks, the pity,
the
staring… I’m sure I’m making
it out to be
worse than it is. It just feels like everyone is watching me,
pitying the cripple. No, no, I shouldn’t use that
term. I am physically challenged. Yeah, right.
I suppose I should just keep looking on the bright side, hard though it
is. After all, I’m not stuck in a wheelchair, like
Kelso. Now I feel guilty. Who am I to
complain? He
won’t ever be able to walk again, and here I am, on crutches,
but
walking. And eventually I won’t need the
crutches.
Just walk slowly. And awkwardly. And, oh damn. I
can’t get my head around this. I’m trying
to be
positive, but my thoughts keep going negative, which makes me feel
guilty. This isn’t fair!
And that’s just it, isn’t it? It
isn’t
fair. It’s not fair that I can’t be
Jim’s back
up in the field anymore. That I can only help him when he is
at
the loft, or in the precinct, but not out in the field.
That’s the real bummer. The real downer.
Okay, it’s all been sorted out. We brought H, Rafe
and Joel
into the Big Secret of Jim’s Senses. And now that
Joel has
transferred into Major Crimes, there are three people, four if you
count Simon, who can help back Jim up in the field.
It’s
not the same, but so far it has worked. But I should be out
there with Jim. I
should be Jim’s back up, his guide as Brackett put
it. And
I can’t help but feel I’m failing him. He
says
I’m not, but I don’t really believe it, not deep
down
inside.
I think I could live with all of this if I was just a grad
student. But I’m not. I’m a
guide to a
sentinel.
Damn. So there we have it folks. Blair Sandburg is full of
guilt
and frustration and self pity. Oh, and not to mention, a
wonderful self image, too!
I look at the clock. I’ve been here for 45 minutes.
So much
for this first hour, it’s going real swell. Not. Sitting at
my
desk, doing nothing but thinking. Well, no, that’s
not
entirely true. The first 20 minutes were spent talking to
various
well-wishers, trying to get them out of the office as fast as I could
without being rude. Trying not to think about the pity they must be
feeling.
I suppose I should do some work. But I really don’t
feel
like immersing myself in anthropology right now. Much rather
immerse myself in self pity. Or guilt. Or frustration, or…
Oh. Well, there goes my mug, shattered on the wall next to my
office door, just missing Jim, who chose that moment to walk in. Sorry
about that, Jim, man.
And Jim just sighs, and starts to clear up the mess. Poor
Jim. I know I’m a mess right now, and not exactly
easy to
put up with, but he’s been very patient with me.
Okay,
there was that argument yesterday about me coming back to Rainier today
– he thought it was too soon. I guess he was
right.
And the argument a few days before that, when his patience ran thin
with my surliness. But on the whole, he’s been
okay.
It’s me who’s been a pain in the neck.
He’s cleaned it all up now. I’ve said
I’m
sorry. He’s said it’s okay. But
I know
it’s not. Not really okay. I’m not
really okay. I think I want to get away from here.
Oh, did I say that out loud? Obviously, as Jim agrees.
And now he’s talking about taking a camping trip for a few
days,
maybe do some fishing, kick back, relax. I’m not so
sure
about this. But Jim insists I’ll be fine.
I’ll
have him along to help me if the terrain gets a little rough.
Oh,
and Simon, and Daryl. Okay, looks to me like it’s a
done
deal. No point in arguing.
I’ve been here 55 minutes. I don’t think
I’ll
be back for a long time yet. Too soon? Too right.
Jim helps me out to the truck. And helps me into
it.
He’s already packed. Simon and Daryl will join us
at the
campsite. I guess this first hour is ending okay.
Well,
okay for me, how I am right now, that is.
The End
