Word Count: 914
Rating: PG.
Category: Angst.
Story Status: Complete
Summary: Missing scene for 'The Hive', Season 2. Rodney's still struggling with enzyme withdrawal.

Beta: Thank you to Leesa Perrie for the beta-reading.

Feed Me
By Jayne Perry

Missing scene for ‘The Hive’


Lorne was still in reeling in shock from Sheppard's demise. But being the trained soldier meant he was still alert to all that was happening around him. Including how Rodney was reacting. The look he had seen on McKay's face he had seen once before, when another soldier had lost his entire unit. That soldier had never able to come to terms with the loss of his friends, his unit, and had committed suicide shortly after returning to the states. Lorne quietly vowed to Sheppard’s ghost that he would help Rodney get through this.

Rodney mumbled about going to his quarters. Concerned, Lorne watched as he walked slowly, like that of an old man, off the bridge of the Daedalus.  As he did so, Lorne wondered if maybe he should go with Rodney, though knew that he himself had yet to process the loss of his commanding officer and friend. In the meantime, he would give Rodney time and privacy to recover from the shock and he would check on Rodney later to offer what support he could.  There was always the sedative that Carson had given him, to use at his discretion, in case of an enzyme relapse (together with strict instructions).  Carson knew that Rodney would be more likely to accept the drug from someone he knew and trusted, rather than a ship's doctor he wasn't acquainted with. However, Lorne privately hoped he wouldn't need to use it, unfortunately a soldier always had to be prepared.


Reaching his room, Rodney sat on the edge of his bunk, tears running down his cheeks, despair and hurt vying for superiority.  But underneath it all, Rodney could still feel his body calling and craving for the enzyme.


No, no, no, no repeated the words in his head.  Whether to the enzyme or to the death of his team mates, he couldn't distinguish.


Crying out in despair, he threw himself onto his bed, trying to bury his head in his pillow.  Not now, he wanted to drown himself in his sorrow.  But instead he felt as though his body was on fire, burning.  Calling to the enzyme, calling for a feeling of invincibility. If he was invincible, he wouldn't be hurting anymore, he would be out there hitting back at the Wraith.


Please leave me in peace, he quietly pleaded with the craving. He imagined Sheppard standing next to the bed, with a look of pity on his face.  But when he waited for some witty remark, all he heard was -


Carson had said that the enzyme hadn't fully cleared his system yet and that he should stay on Atlantis, but he had told him that he could handle it.  Now he wasn't so sure. He was doing fine, up until the explosion of the Wraith ship.  Fires that had destroyed his life in their burning inferno. Fires that had burnt the three people he had come to rely on.


Leave me alone, he cried at the enzyme still coursing through his body. Leave me to grieve, leave me alone long enough I can get control back.  But the insistent call didn't leave him alone.


Rodney pulled his knees up.  Trying to find some comfort in a foetal position, on a bunk too small, his knees overhanging the edge.  His body constantly shaking, from shock and withdrawal symptoms.


He thought briefly of sleep.  But didn't want to face Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon's accusing ghosts, accusing him of being too late.  He didn't want to see them standing next to Brendan Gall, next to Peter Grodin and all the other people who had died.  People he should have been able to save, people who had died because of him.


I'm so screwed, he thought to himself.  Maybe he could arrange a malfunctioning air lock and end it all.  But the physicist in him knew what would happen to his body in space and rejected the thought.
Take control, come on, you are the Great McKay, he told himself.  But still the enzyme called.


The door to his quarters opened and Lorne stood there.  Pity and sadness showing on his face.

He walked over to the bed and gently laid a hand on Rodney.

Lorne knew he could have sent a doctor to do this.  But he had come to respect Dr McKay and knew that Rodney wouldn't want anyone else to see him like this.  And Carson had given him the hypodermic in case Rodney had had trouble with his withdrawal symptoms.

"Sorry, Dr McKay. But you need to rest," he said gently, plunging the hypodermic into Rodney's bare arm.

"No, no," he tried to resist, to no avail.

But the logical part of his mind knew that sleep was what he needed.  Sleep to allow the rest of the enzyme to work its way clear of his body.  Sleep would allow him to rest, so that when he woke up, he would be once again be back in control.  Then he could put his mask back in place.  The mask that hid the pain, the mask he had worn each time someone had died, but didn't want to show his feelings to the world.  The mask he had worn too many times since coming to Atlantis.

As he drifted of to sleep, he could still hear the enzyme, but it had become a whisper.

Feed me.

The End

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