Word Count:
2,200
Rating:
PG13.
Category:
Angst. Humour.
Story Status:
Complete
Summary:
Seasons One and Two. It's that time of year again, and McKay buries
himself in his work... to forget.
Author's Notes:
At the time of writing this was not an AU, however the 'McKay and Mrs
Miller' episode in Season Three has made it one!!
Beta:
Thank you to Jayne Perry for the beta-reading.
Not So Shallow
By Leesa Perrie
----------------
My shadow’s the only
one that walks beside me
My shallow
heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone
out there will find me
’Til then I
walk alone
- Boulevard Of Broken
Dreams by Green Day
----------------
First Year on Atlantis
It was that time of year again. That time when he threw
himself
into his work even more than normal. Trying to obliterate any
thoughts not work related, with only a few trips to deal with bodily
requirements, such as food.
His colleagues had backed off, deciding to leave him to his obsessive
work after a few extra snappish remarks aimed at those who interrupted
him. Even Zelenka had muttered something no doubt derogative
in
Czech and left him well alone.
He had worked solidly from the time he had woken up, which had been
very early in the morning, until now, late in the evening.
Everyone else had packed up hours ago, most heading to the rec
room. It was movie night, which happened every two weeks or
so. And, despite the fact that there were only twelve movies
to
choose from, and everyone had seen whatever was on offer more than
once, most people still went. It was a social
thing. He, of
course, rarely went. And tonight, there was no way he would
be
going. He had work to do. Work he needed to do, to
keep the
thoughts at bay; the ones that always came this time of the year.
The Ancient device he was working on had been puzzling him for some
time now, and he was determined to solve it today. He wanted,
needed,
something to make all this work worthwhile. Something to
justify
his obsession. A reason to avoid the real issues.
He prodded the insides again, and was zapped with an electric shock for
his efforts.
“Crap!” He was slammed backwards onto the floor.
“Damn it!” He shouted, and then checked his
hand.
There was no signs of burning, so he guessed it wasn’t as bad
as
it had felt. On another day, he’d have called
Carson.
But today, he didn’t want to deal him, or anyone else for
that
matter. He sighed, and pushed himself up off the floor, and
sat
back down in his chair. He felt winded, and closed his eyes
for a
moment, gathering himself together, before those thoughts
caught up with him.
He wasn’t fast enough.
There they were: All those feelings he had been hiding from all day.
When he was a kid, he’d looked forward to two days in his
life. One was Christmas day, which meant presents and food
and
little else to him, and the other was his birthday. Even
though
his parents didn’t seem to like him much, they always gave
him a
present and a card. The present was usually something boring,
like clothing, but there were his grandparents’ gifts, and
gifts
from uncles and aunts, which were usually much more exciting.
His
birthday was best, as that was his
day. No one else got presents that day, and whilst his
grandparents were alive, there was always special food. All
of
his favourite things.
But as he grew up, and people died, first his maternal grandmother,
than his paternal grandfather, and so on, until he had no grandparents
left, things started to change. Less presents, less cards, no
special food except at Christmas.
Eventually, his uncles and aunts decided he was old enough not to need
presents anymore.
And as he became an adult, making his own way in the world, even the
cards had slowly stopped. He wasn’t bothered about
Christmas. He didn’t believe and so never
celebrated
it. He never sent cards or presents, so he was never
disappointed
to receive none. But his birthday, that always
hurt. His
parents had stopped bothering almost as soon as he’d gone to
college. And then Jeannie and he had drifted apart, until she
didn’t even bother as well.
And as for work colleagues, well, he never told anyone when his
birthday was. Not anymore. Too many times he had
been
snubbed. So he’d learnt not to say
anything. He knew
he was far from well-liked, and he didn’t need people to
thrust
the point home by purposefully ignoring his birthday.
It was this time of the year that he regretted many things.
When
he wished he could be well-liked. But he couldn’t
change
who he was, and it was better this way. He didn’t
have the
time or energy to spare for making friends. Especially as
often
they were just using him to get what they wanted. Or they
would
betray him. Or die.
He was never any good at telling who wanted to be a real friend from
those who just wanted to ‘suck up’ to the smart
guy, or the
guy in charge, so he had given up on trying.
And Jeannie? One day a year, he truly missed her.
Truly
wished he could change things between them. But she had
chosen
her way, and he his, and it seemed they were meant to be
estranged. This was the one day that he considered contacting
her, not that that was possible at the moment anyway, but on Earth,
there was always the fear that she would reject him to hold him
back. Better to leave things as they were than that.
He knew tomorrow he’d feel better. Be able to push
the
feelings back, pretend they didn’t exist. He
sighed. And
went back to work. It was going to be a very late night.
Second Year on Atlantis
Another year. And it was that
time again. He’d woken early, again, and had rushed
to the
lab as soon as he was clean and dressed. Immersing himself
into
his work, before the thoughts could plague him.
Just one day. It was just one day. Except that it
wasn’t anymore. There were many days now that the
thoughts
plagued him. When he wondered about being so alone.
When he
wondered if he was. This year, he had almost let Sheppard
know
about his upcoming birthday. Thinking that perhaps, just
perhaps,
this year would be different. That he had some people around
him
who might, just might, not ignore his birthday.
But then his courage had failed him. And the events on
Doranda
had pushed all thoughts of letting anyone know aside. He
didn’t want to risk it. It would hurt too much if
they
decided to ignore him. If he woke up and there were still no
cards.
So, here he was again, in his lab, working harder than normal, trying
to ignore his thoughts of loneliness, and uncertainty, and fear.
It was nearing lunch time, but he had some power bars in the lab, and a
supply of coffee, so he didn’t need to leave his
work. He
didn’t want to go down to the mess hall right now.
Didn’t want to risk bumping into people, like Sheppard.
“McKay?”
Damn, he’d forgotten he’d put his radio headset on
this morning out of habit.
“What?”
“I have found something on the east pier that you should look
at,” came Radek’s excited voice.
“Well, what have you found?” he snapped.
“No, I think it is better you come and see for
yourself.”
“Radek…”
“Hey, McKay.” This was Sheppard.
“He’s
right. It’s really better if you came and saw for
yourself.”
“Oh, okay,” he grumbled. “I’m
on my way. But it had better be worth it, Radek!”
With that, he headed towards the east pier, grumbling under his breath
about a certain Czech who seemed to enjoy being mysterious and down
right annoying.
When he arrived at the east pier, Sheppard was waiting for him.
“Out here,” he pointed, and then headed onto the
balcony.
“Fine,” he muttered, and headed onto the balcony
and stopped. And stared.
Beckett, Zelenka, Elizabeth, Teyla, Ronon and Sheppard were standing on
the balcony next to a table that had crisps and other nibbles on, and
in the centre was a birthday cake.
“Happy birthday!” they cried.
He looked at them, shocked. And then blinked.
“Th-thanks,” he managed to stutter.
“Ah, ‘tis end of the world. Rodney is
speechless,” Radek teased.
He scowled at him.
“Come on then, lad, get those candles blown out so we can get
down to eating.”
That was Carson.
“Best idea I’ve heard all day,” he
said. He
blew out the candles, thankful, if curious, that they had only put two
on his cake, not the full amount. “Why only
two?”
“Because this is the second birthday you’ve had on
Atlantis,” Sheppard explained. “Oh, and by the way,
sorry
we missed it last year.”
He wasn’t sure how to react. This was more than he
could ever have hoped for.
“We going to eat?” Ronon asked.
He smirked. Well, there was one thing Ronon and he had in
common. Food.
Amidst teasing and jokes, he helped himself to food, enjoying the
company for what it was. There were cards, as well, he
noticed. And presents.
As he ate, he opened the cards and presents. The first one he
opened was from Beckett. The card was, well, not exactly
flattering, if funny. And he wasn’t quite sure what
to make
of Carson’s present; a book about hypochondria, and how to
cure
it.
“Thanks, I think,” he said, glaring at Carson, who
merely smiled innocently back at him.
“Open mine next,” Sheppard said, thrusting them
into his hands. He snorted.
“Just like a kid,” he muttered, opening the
card. It
made Carson’s seem downright polite, and inside it was an
obviously home made key ring saying ‘My other car has a flux
capacitor’. He grumbled about that damn stupid
film, and
then opened the present. Another home-made item, this time a
manual entitled ‘How to Fly a Jumper in a Straight
Line’. He glared at Sheppard with a greater
intensity of
the glare he’d sent Carson’s way. Though
he
couldn’t quite keep the smile from the edges of his lips.
“Boy, thanks,” he said sarcastically.
“Well, I thought a few tips from various pilots might
help…” Sheppard grinned, not fazed in the
slightest by
Rodney’s glare.
He huffed, and then he smiled wickedly at Carson. “I could
always lend it to you…”
Carson rolled his eyes at that.
The rest of the cards and presents were more thoughtful; an Athosian
blanket from Teyla, which she suggested he could use on the make shift
bed in his lab when he crashed there some nights. He agreed that was a
good idea; a decorative but still deadly knife from Ronon, for when he
got into trouble, Ronon said. Which touched him more than he thought
possible; a set of science journals from Radek, for him to rant and
rave about the stupidity of fellow scientists, according to
Radek. He snorted at that, but knew it was probably more true
than he’d like to admit; and a book from Elizabeth, who
claimed
to have overheard him say he liked this particular author, and so had
gotten him the latest novel. He was surprised she had
overheard
him, in fact, he suspected someone had ratted him out, not that he was
going to complain to said person. Too much. This time.
And if that was not enough, Elizabeth smiled and pulled out another
card and present for him.
“I was asked to hold onto this until your birthday, it came
in the last mail shipment from Earth.”
He took it with shaking hands. He knew who it was
from. He recognised the handwriting immediately.
Slowly, he opened the card. Jeannie. He closed his
eyes,
having to gulp a few times to avoid breaking down, which he was sure
he’d never be able to live down.
He opened the present, and smiled. Typical of
Jeannie. It
was a photo of them as kids, at some school event or other.
Sheppard leaned over, and snickered.
“Is that you?”
He glared at him, before snapping out a
‘yes’. He
tried to hide the photo away, but Sheppard grabbed it and showed it to
the others before he could.
“Hey,” he said, trying vainly to grab it back.
“Very cute,” Elizabeth smiled, with a definite look
of mischief in her eyes. “Adorable, even.”
He felt himself beginning to blush, which was no doubt what
she’d intended.
“Those clothes make you look like a dork,” Sheppard
said, grinning.
“Or perhaps
a…strašák…a scarecrow,
yes?” Radek added.
“Aye, he does look dodgy in them, doesn’t
he?” Carson added, with a smirk.
“Oh please, grow up! I’m sure you all
have
embarrassing photos of your childhood somewhere!” he growled,
trying again to grab the photo, but failing as Ronon took it.
“You look like a sedlan fitcher.”
“A what?” he asked warily.
“It is a creature on Lathkan,” Teyla explained, not
totally helpfully.
“It looks thin and weakly…” Ronon
continued.
“Oh thanks,” he said snippily.
“…but it is actually very strong.”
He glared at Ronon, only slightly mollified by the latter
statement. Ronon gave him the photo back, much to his
relief. Yes, trust Jeannie, and her sense of
‘humour’. No doubt she asked Elizabeth to
make sure
it was opened in the presence of his friends.
He muttered and complained about the unfairness of their
comments. But deep down, he found that he didn’t
really
mind. This was the best birthday he’d had for many,
many
years.
He was no longer alone.
The End
Author's Notes:
Apologies to any Czechs if the
word strašák is not an accurate translation of
scarecrow
– I had to rely on a translation site and can only hope this
is
correct. Thanks
to Jayne for the key ring and jumper manual ideas. Oh, and yes, it was
written before season three and a certain episode with Jeannie...
