Word Count: 14,332
Rating: PG13.
Category: Angst. Crossover with SG1. 
Story Status: Complete.
Summary: Set after The Return Pt 2, Season 3. Rodney takes a trip down memory lane. It's not fun, and he's not alone. Rodney angst galore!

Author's Notes: I have used David Hewlett’s year of birth (1968) as being Rodney McKay’s.  However, Kate Hewlett’s year of birth (1978) didn’t quite fit my story, so I have made Jeannie’s year of birth 1976 instead.  Just in case you are wondering!  

The title is the same as a 1956 play by John Osborn - but I was actually inspired by the Oasis song 'Don't Look Back in Anger' (which I believe was in turn inspired by the play!!).

Illustrations by WolfenMoondaughter - see more of her wonderful artwork here.

Thanks: Thank you to Jayne Perry for the beta-reading and to WolfenMoondaughter for her excellent artwork.


Look Back in Anger
By Leesa Perrie

Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six
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“And I don't want the world to see me
‘Cause I don't think that they'd understand…”
Lyrics from ‘Iris’ by the Goo Goo Dolls

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Chapter One – So, two scientists and a pilot walk into a building…

M9F-993.

Also known as ‘Mud Ball’ to the team that first went there.  A name that stuck.  

Lots of rain, lots of mud, no trees.  Just lots and lots of muddy plains as far as the eye could see.  No mountains or hills in sight.  Just grass and low lying plants, and mud.  Lots and lots of mud.

The only thing that could be seen in the miles of plains around the gate, other than the gate itself, was a building.  Tall but squat, it lay one mile from the gate.  It looked innocuous, bland, grey and featureless.

Mud Planet by WolfenM
Illustration by WolfenMoondaughter

But inside, there was a room with technology.  A plain room with many consoles around the edge, and one in the centre.  Not Ancient, not Wraith.  Whoever was responsible for it, they were clearly long gone.  

Major Lorne’s team had found the building, but none of them knew what it was for.  They filmed and photographed everything that they could and returned to Atlantis.  

There, Dr McKay and his team watched and looked and learned what they could.  There were a few ideas, but the only way to really know would be to go back to check the place out.

With the intergalactic bridge working, and Atlantis now firmly back in their hands, after kicking the replicators out, travel between Earth and Atlantis was much, much easier.  

Colonel Samantha Carter was visiting Atlantis at this time.  And when she heard that Colonel Sheppard and his team were going to check out this mysterious new building, she asked to go along.  As much to annoy Rodney as to satisfy her curiosity.

In the end, Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon,  McKay and Carter were given the go ahead to check it out, taking a jumper.  More scientists would join them once they were certain the technology was not going to ‘bite them in the ass’ as Colonel Sheppard put it.

As their luck would have it, it did; bite them in the ass.  Figuratively speaking.

----------------

Rodney and Sam were checking out the consoles, whilst Teyla and Ronon checked the outside of the building.  Sheppard kept watch inside the building.  It was large.  But only one room, which seemed odd to him.  No little side rooms, not even any bathroom facilities.  Just one large room, with the consoles, and apparently little else.

He wandered over to McKay and Carter after checking the room out.

“So, any idea yet what this might be?”

“Not bored already, are we, Colonel?” came Rodney’s snide response.

“Yep,” Sheppard replied happily. “So, what’s this thing do?”

“We’ll need more time,” Carter said.

“Yes, yes, it’s not like it comes with an instruction manual,” Rodney muttered. “Why don’t you go do soldier-y things…preferably elsewhere.”

“Nah, I think I’ll stick around here and annoy you.”

There was a heavy sigh, followed by some under breath cursing.  Carter smiled at Sheppard, and returned to checking the main console.  Sheppard grinned, wandering over to one side, having spotted some markings in the floor.

“What are these?” he asked, looking at the oblong shapes. “You think they might be trapdoors?”  There was an impatient sigh from McKay.

“It’s possible,” Sam jumped in, “But even we need more than twenty minutes to work out what this does, Colonel.”

“Ah, you’re spoiling it,” John moaned, though with no real animosity.

“Spoiling what?”

“It’s a game the team plays…”

“Yes, it’s called who can annoy McKay the most.  The Colonel here’s the reigning champion,” Rodney muttered with a scowl.  

“Oh.” Carter grinned. “Sorry, I didn’t know.  Can I join in, or is it a team only event?”

“Well, seeing as you’re on the team for this mission, feel free to join in.”

“Oh, great,” McKay moaned.  “You do realise I’m trying to work, here, right?”

“Hey, you’re the guy who claims he can multi-task,” Sheppard answered. “So multi-task.”

There was a loud noise, followed by a curse from Rodney.

“What have you done?” Carter asked, looking over his shoulder.

“Nothing.  I didn’t do anything.”

“You sure, McKay?” Sheppard moved towards them.

“Yes, I’m sure.  I didn’t touch anything, I was too busy talking to you.” He looked at Sheppard, annoyed.

“Well, something’s happening,”  John replied.

There was more noise, a mechanical sound this time, and the five oblongs that John had been studying moved.  The metal within the oblongs slid back, and five chairs rose up.  There was a click as they settled into place.  At the same time, a force field surrounded the console and the chairs, effectively trapping them.

“No, no, no, no, this isn’t good.” McKay turned back to the console, frantically checking it over.

“Choose subject,” a disembodied female voice directed.

“Shit.” Carter was also looking over the console.  McKay pulled open a panel, looking at the circuitry inside.  “Crystal technology.”

“Yeah,” McKay agreed, “But not Ancient design.”

He probed carefully, as the female voice reiterated its direction to choose a subject.  

“I hope you can figure this out,” Sheppard said, “’Cos I have to say, I have a bad feeling about this.”

“You’re not the only one, Colonel,” McKay muttered.  

“It’s definitely not Ancient design,” Carter said. “Less complicated, actually.”

“Yes,” McKay pointed to one of the crystals that had started glowing. “If we can disengage that one…”

“It might shut the whole thing down,” Carter agreed.  “Worth a try.  It looks like that might be the connection…”

“Yes, yes, I know.”  He took a breath. “Okay, here goes nothing.”

He reached in to cut the connection, but before he could do so, the crystal glowed even brighter and a light from the console flashed out and hit him.  He yelped in surprise and pushed away from the console.

“Subject had been chosen.  Choose watchers,” the voice said.

“You okay?” Sheppard asked, beating Carter to the same question.

“Hmm, yes, I think so.  It didn’t hurt, just caught me by surprise.”

Another light flashed out from the console, this time hitting Carter and Sheppard.  They both jumped as it hit, but like McKay, it didn’t hurt.

“Watchers have been chosen.  Be seated.”

“Hell, no,” Sheppard said, eyeing the chairs suspiciously.

“I agree,” Rodney said, turning to go back to the console with Sam.  However, the force field moved, cutting them off from it.

“Well, that’s not good,” Sheppard stated.

“No,” Carter said.  McKay looked round, wildly.

“Is it just me, or are the walls… sorry, the force field, moving in?  Because, I have to say, this is not a claustrophobe’s best dream…”

“Keep it together, McKay, at least the walls are see through.”

“Oh, that so does not help, Colonel.  Really, it doesn’t.”

“The force field is backing us towards the chairs,” Sam said. “Maybe if we do what the program wants…”

“I’d rather not,” Sheppard replied, “But it doesn’t look like we have much choice.”

Carter was right, the force field was pushing them back towards the chairs.  And McKay looked on the verge of a major panic attack.

“This is not happening.” McKay closed his eyes. “Not happening.  I’m in a wide open field…”  His eyes shot open. “Oh, who am I kidding?”

Sheppard grabbed Rodney, pulling him towards one of the chairs and pushing him into it.  The force field stopped its encroachment.  He looked to Carter, and nodded towards a second chair, to the left of McKay.  She nodded in response and sat down.  He then followed suit, choosing a third chair, to the right of McKay.

As soon as all three were seated, visors lowered over their faces…

Chapter Two – Home is where the hurt is… 

Sheppard and Carter opened their eyes to find themselves in a room.  It looked like they were back on Earth. 

The room was sparsely furnished.  A bed, a desk and chair, a bedside table and a wardrobe, and a shelf on one of the walls.  The furniture seemed old or cheaply made.  There was a Star Wars poster on one wall, and some models, looking home made, but expertly done, of the Millennium Falcon, a Death Star, and, from Star Trek, the Enterprise and a Romulan warship, on the shelf, along with a few beat up looking science books.  On the bedside table sat an old beat up tape player, a handful of tapes and a lamp.

A few clothes were scattered over the back of the chair, and it was clear from the style of clothing, bedding and wallpaper that they were back in the seventies. 

The female voice returned and stated that Phase One had begun.  It then stated that is was Winter 1978, Toronto, Canada, Earth.

They looked at each other.

“What the hell…” Sheppard said, but further conversation was halted as voices were heard nearby.  Raised voices.  And then, someone shouted, ‘go to your room, you obnoxious brat’.  Shortly after this, the door burst open and a skinny kid came in, slamming the door behind him and flicking a bolt home, that they had only now noticed, effectively locking himself in.  He kicked the door, and then angrily flopped onto the bed.  He looked to be somewhere between nine or ten years old.

“Hey, kid,” Sheppard started, but there was no response.

“I don’t think he can see us,” Carter said, looking thoughtful. “Or hear us.”

“Yeah, he’d have reacted to us by now if he could.” A thoughtful look passed over his face and he walked over the desk, and touched it.  “Well, at least we seem to be solid, not ghosts.  Any idea what could be going on?”

“We’re here, and yet we’re not.” Sam looked at the boy. “Is it me, or does he look a little bit familiar?”

“What?” Sheppard looked closely at the kid, who was clearly still angry.  “Oh, yeah, he does actually.”  The nose, the chin, the mouth, the scowl.  Oh crap.  “It can’t be, can it?”

“Rodney,” Carter muttered.

There was a knock at the door.

“Go ‘way,” the kid, Rodney maybe, snarled.

“Mer,” a small voice said.  The boy looked towards the door and sighed, the anger draining away.  He got up and let in his sister.

“Hey, Jeannie, it’s okay.”

The four year old was crying, and he lifted her up, heading back to his bed.

“Why they shout?” Jeannie asked.

“Because that’s what they do.  But it’s okay, they’re not mad at you.” He looked round his room. “Hey, want to play with the Falcon?”

“Yes, please.”  Jeannie’s tears stopped, as Rodney, and there was no longer any doubt in their minds who they were watching, picked up the Millennium Falcon from the shelf and placed in it his sister’s hands.

“Just… be careful, right?”

Jeannie smiled, and started making car noises whilst ‘flying’ the ship around in loops. 

“It’s not a car, Jeannie,” he said, soundly mildly exasperated, but said no more as she continued to play with the ship.  He sighed, and picked up a book from his desk, shoving the clothes to the floor so he could sit on the chair to read.

There were a few minutes of silence before a man looked in the doorway.

“Jeannie, darling, Mommy’s going to the mall to get you a new dress for Sarah’s party.”

Jeannie placed the ship onto the bed carefully and then slipped down to the floor.

“Can I have a pink one?” she asked excitedly.

“Sure, honey.  Go on now, Mommy’s waiting in the hall.”

Once Jeannie was gone, the man, presumably their father, glared daggers at Rodney, who glared right on back.

“Don’t you dare look at me like that, boy, or do you want the belt?”

“You use the belt and I’ll tell the teachers at school, and they’ll tell child services, and they’ll end up taking Jeannie as well as me…”

“Why, you little…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.  Respect your elders, and all that.  Yeah, well, I’m not respecting someone who hates my guts.”

“I don’t…”

“Oh, please, don’t start with all that crap.  You hate me, I hate you, Mom hates us both.  Guess we’re just gonna have to live with it till I’m old enough for you to chuck me out and not get in trouble with social.”

“There’s no talking to you when you’re like this,” his father said, slamming the door behind him as he left.

“Bye,” Rodney said dismissively, waiting until he was sure he was alone before slipping the bolt back on his door. 

“Oh crap, I knew he had problems with his parents, but this...” Sam was shocked. “He’s a brat, but to threaten him…”

“Yeah.” John looked at Rodney as he slid down the door, and put his head into his hands, and started shaking, silent tears running down his face.  “We shouldn’t be seeing this.”

“No,” Carter agreed. “It must be the technology we were studying.  But why are we seeing McKay’s life?”

“Yeah, and will be seeing bits from each other’s lives as well?  And, is McKay aware of what is happening?”

“I don’t know.  We may just have to wait and see.  Let it play itself out.”

“At least Teyla and Ronon will get help.  Hopefully, Dr Z will be able to figure out what’s happened.  And get us out of here.”

“I hope so.”

The scene in front of them faded and a new scene emerged.  They were now in another room.  A girl’s room, Jeannie’s perhaps.  But the contrast if that was the case, was startling.  Where Rodney’s room was bare, and the furniture and clothes all seemed second hand or cheap, this room was overflowing with toys and clothes, and there was much more furniture.  And everything seemed new, and expensive. It was also bigger and brighter.

The disembodied voice returned to state it was Summer, 1980.

Jeannie entered the room, with Rodney just behind her.

“Come on, Jeannie, I just want to borrow it for a little while,” he whined.

“No.”

Rodney sighed, throwing up his hands briefly.

“Okay, what do you want in return?”

Jeannie looked at her brother with a smile of triumph.

“Do my homework for me tonight…”

“No,” he scowled. “I won’t do it for you, but I’ll help you with it.”
 
“Okay,” she said, grabbing a radio cassette player and handing it to her brother.

“Thanks,” he muttered darkly, before leaving.

They followed him to his room, which looked much the same as before, except that the Star Wars poster was gone.

He placed the radio cassette down, putting a tape in and playing it.  Rodney grabbed an exercise book and started to work on something in it.  Carter peered over his shoulder and her eyes shot up in surprise.

“That’s a nuclear bomb!”

“Oh, yeah, he said he made a model for his sixth grade science fair.”

“He what?” Carter looked at Sheppard.

“It wasn’t a working model,” the Colonel said with a grin.

“Damn, I bet that went down well.”

“Not too well, from what I gathered.”

Sam shook her head.

“No common sense at all,” she muttered.

“Hey, he’s an almost teenage brat.  What else do you expect?”

Their conversation was interrupted by a shout.

“Meredith, get out here right now!”

Rodney sighed, placed his exercise book away in a desk drawer, switched off the music and walked slowly out of his room.

“I said right now,” came another bellow from his father, as Rodney entered the living room.

“I was doing my homework,” he said sullenly.

“It can wait.” His dad glowered at him. “So, this after school class you said you were taking, it doesn’t exist, according to Bobby’s dad.  Just what the hell are you up to?”

Rodney looked shocked, and then angry.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?  I don’t think so.  You’re nothing but trouble.  A lying scheming trouble maker.  What are you doing two nights a week?”

Rodney remained quiet whilst glaring at his father.

“You’ll damn well answer me, boy.” His Dad raised his hand to slap him, and Rodney flinched back.

“Piano lessons.”

“What?” The man looked flummoxed  for a moment, obviously not expecting that reply.

“Mrs Johnson down the street is paying me for doing odd jobs around her house and yard.  That’s where I go to on a Saturday when you kick me out.  I use the money to pay for lessons with Mr Kelly after school.”

“Piano lessons?  They’re for girls.  You can stop right now, no boy of mine is going to…” and the rant continued.  It was clear Rodney’s father saw piano lessons as being less than manly, that he was forbidding him from continuing with them, that he was going to tell Mrs Johnson that she needed to find someone else to work for her, and then went on to berate him for lying.  This was followed by a character assassination that left both Sheppard and Carter gasping at the cruelty of it.

Throughout it all, Rodney looked at his feet but said nothing until his father had finished. 

“Yeah, well, I quit the lessons anyway,” he said, before storming back to his room, running when he realised his father was following, slamming the door and pushing home the bolts…there were three of them now.  There was a loud bang on the door followed by his father’s voice demanding he come out.  Rodney ignored it.  Another bang, and then his father evidently gave up and walked away.

Rodney returned to his desk, pulling out his exercise book. 

“A fine clinical player,” he mimicked a voice, presumably that of Mr Kelly, “But no sense of the art whatsoever.”  He put the music back on and started working on his science project. “Who wants to be a stupid pianist anyway?  Not me.”  It sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

Before they could fully react to what they had seen, the scene changed again.  The voice told them it was one week later.

They were in a park, and there were two boys and Rodney close by.  The boys were slightly bigger than him, and were shoving him about. 

“Think you’re so smart, don’t you?” one of them sneered. “Think it’s fun to show me up in class, don’t you?”

“You’re just a freak,” the other one said, “And you need to learn to keep that mouth shut.”

It was obvious that Rodney was scared, but he held his head high as he replied.

“It’s not my fault you’re stupid.”

“Ah, no, that’s not good, McKay,” Sheppard said quietly.

“Who you calling stupid?” the first boy shouted, pushing Rodney harshly, causing him to stumble and nearly fall.  Rodney turned to run, but the second boy grabbed his left arm and pulled him back, causing Rodney to fall to the ground this time.

“Leave me alone!” he screamed at them.

The boys just laughed, and the first boy kicked him in the leg, hard.  They then grabbed an arm each and pulled him to his feet, the second boy then taking both arms and twisting them painfully behind Rodney’s back.  The first boy punched him in the face, and then in the stomach, and the second boy let him fall to the floor.

“That’ll teach you to call us stupid and show us up in class,” the first boy said.

“Yeah, there’ll be more where that came from if you do it again,” the second boy threatened.  Then they moved off, laughing.

It was a few minutes before Rodney pulled himself to his feet. 

“I’ll get you back,” he whispered, wincing as he started to walk. “Both of you.  Hmm, you’re both so proud of your new radio controlled cars.  Think I might be doing a bit of sabotaging.”

The scene shifted again, and a battered looking Rodney entered his home.  It was clearly not long after the incident in the park, though the bruise on Rodney’s face had had time to darken somewhat. 

His mother took one look and flew into a rage.

“Meredith Rodney McKay, have you been fighting?” she shouted at him, continuing before he could get a word in. “Of all the… You just wait until your father comes home.  I’ll not have you fighting like some common thug.”

“I wasn’t…”

“Don’t you even try it.  Don’t you lie to me.  Go to your room.  And you can forget about dinner.  You go to your room and you stay there until your Dad gets in.”

Rodney didn’t bother trying to explain any further and went to his room. 

“Poor kid,” Sam said. 

“Not exactly having a good time of it, is he?” Sheppard agreed.

Again, the scene shifted.  There was a banging on Rodney’s door.

“Open this door, Meredith.  Open this door right now, or I swear, I’ll knock it right down.”

Rodney got up from where he was sitting and, moving stiffly, went to the door and opened it.  His father pushed his way in, grabbing the boy by his arms and shaking him.

“What’s this I hear about you fighting and upsetting your Mom?  I won’t have it.  I don’t need her upset with you.  I don’t need her yapping at me when I’ve just got in from a hard day’s work.  I don’t need that hassle.”

His father gave him a shove, and Rodney fell against his bed, letting out a groan of discomfort as he obviously caught his bruise.

“Any more of this, and you’ll feel my hand on you too.  And don’t give me any shit about child services.  You get into fighting at school and no one’s going to notice a few more bruises.”

“I wasn’t fighting.  Two of the bigger boys beat on me.  It wasn’t my fault.”

“Huh, sounds about right.  Too chicken shit to stand up to the bullies.  You need to find a backbone, kid.” His father turned and left, throwing over his shoulder as he did so, “You stay in this room without food tonight.  Maybe that’ll make you think.  Though I doubt it somehow.”

The scene faded, and they found themselves seated in the conference room on Atlantis, with McKay, who had his head firmly in his hands.

“Phase One completed.  Discuss memories,” the voice intoned.

“Oh crap…that…that just…sucked,” McKay moaned into his hands, not looking at either of them.  John got up and perched on the desk next to McKay, Sam mirroring him on the other side.

“Hey, you okay?” John asked, nudging McKay’s shoulder.  Rodney snorted.

“No, I’m not.  I’ve just had to relive my past, and if that isn’t bad enough, have you two watching it all.”

“You were aware of us, then?” Sam asked.

“Yes, damn it, but I couldn’t interact with you.  It was like I was back there, reliving it all, yet aware at the same time that I wasn’t really there.  And that you were watching everything.  It was…it just sucked.”

“Yeah.  You know, if we had any control…” Sheppard started

“I know, I know, you wouldn’t have watched.” Rodney sighed. “Why me?  Why did it pick on me?”

John smiled at the more familiar whine from his friend.

“Who knows?” John said.

“It choose you as the subject and us as the watchers,” Sam mused. “Maybe because you were closer to the console than us at the time.”

“In other words, I get to blame it on bad luck?  Typical.” He still hadn’t made eye contact with them.

“You think this is some sort of… psychological tool…or something?” Sheppard wondered. “I mean, the voice seems to want us to discuss your memories.  Sounds kind of like psycho-analysis to me.”

“Oh, even better,” McKay moaned.

“It does seem like that,” Carter agreed. “Though it could be used for other things as well.  Sharing information, learning from other people’s mistakes, training…”

“Interrogation…” Sheppard continued.

“Let’s not go with that one,” McKay suggested.  “In fact, let’s just forget the whole discussing the memories bit.  Oh crap, if we get out of this, you’re not going to write everything into your reports, are you?  That would be…”

“No, just the basic outline, nothing more,” Sheppard said.

“No need to give all the details,” Carter agreed.

“Good.  Embarrassing enough as it is.”

“Nothing to be embarrassed about if you ask me,” John disagreed.  “Just means Carter and me have a better understanding of what makes you tick.”

“Oh, right.  That’s not so comforting, really.”

The voice returned directing them to discuss memories.

“No,” Rodney said in response.

“It’s possible the program will end on its own, but only if we follow its commands,” Sam suggested.  Rodney finally lifted his head up and looked at her.  She was surprised by the pain in his eyes.  He looked back down at his hands.

“I…” He sighed. “You’re probably right.  But…”

“Look, it’s just us.  No one else.  Okay, you wouldn’t have chosen this, neither would we have.  But we’ve already seen these memories, if discussing them gets us out of the program…” Sheppard pushed. “I mean, at least we’re your friends.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “But I don’t want or need your pity.  Or your teasing.” He looked at Sheppard with that last bit.

“Hey, of course not; no pity, no teasing.  What happens in here stays in here.” Sheppard looked at Carter.

“What he said,” she agreed, “Including the friend thing.”

Rodney looked at her suspiciously for a moment, and then smiled.

“But only the friend thing,” Sam warned, raising an eyebrow, “Nothing more.”

He snorted at that.

“So, your parents, what’s with them?  I mean, it’s obvious they love Jeannie, but why…”

“Why did they hate me?” Rodney finished John’s question.  “Because they only got married when she became pregnant with me.  If that hadn’t happened, they wouldn’t have been married.  And at some point they started to hate each other.  They wouldn’t get a divorce, they had this image to maintain, you see, so they got stuck with each other and blamed me for it.  Jeannie was a last attempt to bring them back together.  You know, the hope that a new baby would rekindle their love or some such nonsense.  Didn’t work, of course, but at least they loved her and never blamed her for their situation.  Huh, if I’d been a girl I might have been okay.”

“Sounds like they were pretty messed up,” Carter said. 

“Yeah, just a little.  But I never blamed Jeannie for the way they treated her.  I resented it, but not her.  Even when she was being a brat, and believe me she could be damn bratty about the whole thing when it suited her, I knew she wasn’t really to blame.  And that she loved me, well, most of the time.  When I wasn’t being a brat too.

“So, my parents were neglectful at best, and as for friends… at the time I only had one person at school I could call a friend.  I even told him about the piano lessons.  Even told him when I quit and why.  And how did he repay me?  He decided that being my friend was too much trouble.  He was being hassled by one of the bullies and decided he’d be better off ditching me.  So Bobby told his father, who was a good friend of mine, about the non-existent after school class, which, as you saw, got me into trouble.

“And a week later, Bobby finally joined the bully against me.  The guy in the park who punched me, that was the bully, I can’t remember his name, and the guy who held me so he could punch me?  That was Bobby.  Guess he decided if you couldn’t beat them, then you joined them.

“So, that’s a run down of the memories.  Do you think this machine or whatever will let us out now?”

“Let’s hope so,” Sheppard asked.

The voice interrupted any further conversation stating that Phase Two was about to start.  Rodney groaned.

“So much for ending the program,” he muttered, as the room faded away again…

----------------

Chapter Three – There was an old woman… 

They were on a suburban street, and the snow was piled high at the sides of the road.  A figure, Rodney they soon realised, was walking down the street.  Although he had boots, gloves and a coat with a hood, they somehow seemed inadequate for the weather, and it was clear he was shivering from the cold.

The voice returned to inform them that it was Winter 1981, a Saturday.

Young Rodney
Illustration by WolfenMoondaughter

As he walked past one house, they saw someone open the door and come out onto a porch.

“Hey, you, kid.  Come here.” 

Rodney stopped, and looked over to the figure, but didn’t approach.

“I said come here.  Not scared of a little old lady in a wheelchair, are you, boy?”

He looked round nervously, but approached the lady, standing near to the porch.

“What?” he asked. “I wasn’t doing anything, just walking.”

“Hmm, you been along this street five times in the last three hours.  What are you, lost?  Or just nuts, walking in this weather?”

“I’m neither,” he said, his eyes flashing with anger briefly. “Just out for a walk.”

“Oh, so you’re looking for a chance to die of hypothermia, then?” the lady looked at him closely. “Haven’t you got a home to go to?”

“Sure I have.  Just…not right now.”

“So, you in trouble, then?  Nothing’s worth getting frozen for.”

“It’s none of your business,” he stated, turning to walk away, irritated at the lady’s prying.

“True,” she eyed him as he walked off, and then called. “You want to come in and get warm?  I’d never live with myself if I let you go off to die from the cold.”

He stopped, looking back nervously.  The conflict was clear to see on his face.  Caution, uncertainty warring with the need to get warm.  The latter won.

“Okay,” he said quietly, following her into her home, though still wary and ready to bolt.

He stood in the hallway, dripping and shivering, and not really sure what to do.

“Better take off your boots and coat, don’t want you dripping all over the place.”

He hesitated, still clearly unsure of her intentions.

“Well? I’m not about to accost you, boy!”

He removed his outer clothing, before following her into the kitchen.  He put his arms around himself, still shivering fiercely.

“You like hot chocolate?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Good,” the lady busied herself fixing two mugs of instant hot chocolate.  “So, I’m Katherine Duncan, but everyone just calls me Mrs D.  You got a name?”

“Rodney.”

“Uh huh.  You that McKay boy I heard about?  The one who built a model of a nuclear bomb for his science fair a little while back?”

Rodney went pink, and looked away, not meeting her eyes.

“Not too keen on the infamy, I can see,” Mrs D shook her head. “All intellect and no sense.”

“You knew who I was when you invited me in, didn’t you?” he challenged her.

“I wasn’t sure, but I thought I recognised you from the papers.”

“What do you want?” he was suspicious. “Because everyone who remembers that seems nervous around me.  Think I’m unstable or something.  Like I’m gonna blow them up if they look at me wrong.  Idiots,” he looked away and then smiled grimly. “Though it made the bullies stop for a while.”

“I don’t want anything from you, Rodney,” Mrs D passed him a mug, which he took warily. “Just didn’t want you to freeze to death out there.  And get to meet a local celebrity.”

Rodney snorted at that, but seemed to relax slightly, sipping his drink.  Mrs D led the way into her living room, and pointed for him to take a seat.  He perched on the edge of a couch, still shivering.

Sam and John looked at each other, as silence descended in the house for a few minutes.

“I guess his science project hit the local papers then,” Sheppard said, “And not in a good way.”

“Not surprised people are nervous around him.  Think I’d be damn nervous of some teenager with the ability to make bombs.”

“True, but he’s more misguided than dangerous.  Or not guided at all.  I hope this Katherine Duncan turns out to be alright, and hasn’t some ulterior motive.”

The conversation started up again in the room.

“So, what did your friends think of you, doing that?”

“What friends?” came his sullen reply, “Don’t want friends, don’t need them.  They just go away and don’t keep in touch, forget you and move on, or else they stab you in the back, or humiliate you, or just want to use you.  Better off without ‘friends’.”

Mrs D seemed genuinely shocked by his response. 

“They don’t sound like friends to me,” she said finally. “I just think you haven’t found the right people yet.  Of course, if you give up on friendship, you’re not likely to.”

“I don’t need friends,” he said forcefully, though it seemed tinged with sadness as well.  “I’m fine on my own.  And it’s none of your business anyway.  You don’t know me,” and then he muttered barely audibly. “You’d hate me if you did, everybody hates me.”

It was clear Mrs D had heard that mutter, but chose to ignore it.

“You any good at fixing things?”

“What?  Depends what it is.”

“My radio stopped working last week, and I haven’t had time to get it fixed.”

“I thought you said you didn’t want anything from me?”

”I don’t.  I’m quite happy to take it downtown and get it fixed next week, but I thought it might give you something to do, until you’re ready to go home, that is.”

“Um, well, I suppose I could look at it.  But I shouldn’t stay long…”

“You stay as long as you like.  I’ll not have you going back out there to freeze.”

“Okay, I’ll, er, I’ll take a look at it for you.”

“Good.  You can have some lunch while you’re here as well.”

Mrs D went to get her radio and some tools.  Rodney fidgeted for a few moments, and then got up to wander around the living room, not touching anything, just looking.

When she returned, she spread some newspaper over a table and left him to work, heading into the kitchen to put some lunch together.

The scene changed again, and the voice stated that it the following day.

It was early morning by the looks of things, and they were back outside of Mrs D’s house.  They could see Rodney approaching, but as he got closer he slowed down, before finally stopping.  He hovered about for a few moments, and then seemed to come to a decision, and walked up to her house and rang the bell.

“Oh, hello, Rodney,” Mrs D said after answering the door.

“Have you…do you have anything else that needs fixing?” he asked, keeping his eyes on his feet.

“No, not right now.”

“Oh. Okay, I just wondered.  Well, I’ll go then…”

“You want to come in?” Mrs D said, moving back from the doorway.

“Oh, um, well, if it’s okay,” he seemed very unsure of his welcome.

“Of course it is,” she smiled at him warmly. “Come on in for a bit.”

He followed her in, removing his coat and boots like the day before, and going into the living room.

“I, er, won’t stay long,” he said. “I’m sure you’ve got better things to do…”

“What’s wrong?”

“What?” he looked at her in surprise.

“Why aren’t you at home?”

“Oh, well…” he looked everywhere but at her. “Um, my parents, they told me to not come back until later, like 6 pm.”

Mrs D watched him closely, noticing his nervous fidgeting.

“Do they do that a lot, throw you out, that is?”

“Um, well…” he sighed, looking down at his feet again. “Yeah.  Even more so since the science fair, they don’t want me around.  So when it’s not a school day, I have to find other places to go.  Like the library, though I don’t go there a lot.  It’s a long way to walk.”

“You walk to the library? But that’s miles away.  Why not take the bus?”

“Um, no money.  Look, it doesn’t matter.  It’s just the way they are.  They’ve never liked me, but that’s okay.  I just thought, maybe, I could hang out here for an hour or two today.” It was clear he was uncomfortable discussing things.  “But don’t worry, I won’t keep bugging you, you know, keep coming round, making a nuisance of myself.  Just… I just…”

“You just needed somewhere to go,” Mrs D said quietly.  “You can come here anytime you want, Rodney.”

He looked at her in surprise.

“I’m a lonely old woman.  It’ll be nice to have a youngster underfoot at times,” she said with a smile, “And maybe you can fix things and help out around the house and garden.”

“Um, yeah, I can do that.  Used to do it for someone down the street, before Dad put a stop to it.  He didn’t like me having money of my own.  I found someone else later who paid me to do stuff in the garden, but that stopped after...  well, after my bit of notoriety,” he paused. “I wouldn’t want you to pay me, that’s not what I mean…”

“I know,” Mrs D smiled, and then frowned slightly. “If they don’t give you any money, what do you do for food?”

“I, um, sometimes I can sneak some food out with me, or Jeannie, my sister, sneaks some for me.  Otherwise, well, I go without.”

“I think your parents should be reported for neglect…”

“No!” he shouted, and then calmed himself a little. “No, you can’t do that.  I don’t want it, the social, they’ll split Jeannie and me up.  Either she’ll stay with Mom and Dad, and I’ll get taken away, or they take us both and even if they don’t split us up, Jeannie will hate me for that.  She’s happy.  They love her, and she loves them,” he put his arms around himself in a protective stance. “It’s okay.  I’m okay.  It’s not like they hit me much, or do anything worse, just… just don’t like me hanging around, that’s all.”

“I still think…”

“No.  I’ll deny everything if you report them.  And… and it’s not your business anyway.  It’s mine, and I’m… I’m okay.”

“Alright.  I’ll leave it alone,” she shook her head, “But you know what they’re doing is wrong, don’t you?”

“I guess so,” he mumbled.

“You don’t deserve this, Rodney.”

“Maybe… but you… you don’t know me.  And when… when you do… you’ll not want me around.  Like everyone else.  I’m… I’m trouble, and no one wants trouble.”

“So, you’re a challenge, then?  I love a good challenge.  And I’m certainly not afraid of trouble, either.  Now, you just sit yourself down.  My late husband used to read some science journals.  I’ve got some of them around, if you’d like to read them.  They’re somewhat out of date, Robert being gone five years now.”

“Um, sure,” he sat down, still nervously fidgeting.  He calmed down when Mrs D passed him the journals, his interest in them overriding his fear and insecurities.

“I think I like this Mrs D,” Sheppard said.

“Yes.  She’s seems okay. I don’t like his parents much though.”

“No.  I mean, what kind of parents chucks their kid out in this sort of weather with no money or food, and tells him not to come back before evening?”

“Ones that aren’t very good, at least not to him.”

“Well, he’s got somewhere to go now.  I just hope this lady is all that she seems.”

The scene started to fade again…

----------------

They were back in the conference room with Rodney.  The voice stated that Phase Two was complete and gave the instruction to ‘discuss memories’ again.

“Hey, this Mrs D seems like a nice, if formidable lady,” Sheppard started, hoping Rodney would continue to talk about this.  It hadn’t ended the program last time, but it might do it this time. 

“Oh no, I’m not discussing anything any more.  This program didn’t finish last time, what makes you think it will do so this time?  I really don’t want to relive any more,” Rodney said angrily.

“So, we wait here and hope that Zelenka can get us out?” Sheppard asked.

McKay snorted at that.

“Hey, he helped save your ass when you were stuck in that downed jumper,” Sheppard reminded him.

“He’s good, but he’s no me, or even Sam,” he said.  Carter shook her head at that. 

“Well, we either wait and hope he can rescue us, or we go with the program and hope that it ends soon,” Sheppard summarized their options.

“I wonder what is happening to us outside of here?” Sam wondered.

“Oh crap,” Rodney looked up in alarm. “I hadn’t thought of that.  In the time it takes Radek to figure things out, we could die…”

“I hardly think this is designed to kill people,” Sheppard said. “Surely it has some sort of failsafe?”

“We don’t know that.  And even if there is a failsafe, we don’t know how far it will let us go before it is triggered.  I don’t want to wake up to find myself on the verge of a hypoglycaemic reaction, or worse. Rodney had stood up by this point and was pacing. “We don’t know how long we’ve been in here for.  Or how long the program will run for before releasing us, if Radek can’t find a way to pull us out.”

“In which case...” Sheppard looked at his agitated team-mate, but was interrupted.

“We can’t just stay here in the hopes of being rescued.  The machine uses crystal technology, but it’s not Ancient design.  Radek will probably work it out, but it could take time.  It would take me time to figure it out, let alone him.”  McKay sighed in defeat. “So, it seems we have no choice but to follow the program and hope it ends soon.”

“Yeah,” John agreed.

“Sounds like a plan,” Sam agreed. “I know this isn’t exactly pleasant for you, or us, but it seems like the best way to end this.”

“So, this Mrs D seems nice,” Sheppard prompted.  Rodney heaved a heavy sigh and sunk back into his chair.

“Okay, okay.  Damn, I hate this.” He was quiet a moment, pulling his thoughts together. “She saved me,” he said. “That was about the lowest point in my life.  My infamy, you know, the whole science fair thing, it made me even more alone than I’d ever been before.  Like I was some dangerous nut job or something.  I got shoved into a scheme for gifted children, but the other kids in that scheme didn’t want anything to do with me.” He shrugged. “I was so close to giving up.  Thought about running away, stupid though I knew that would be.  I doubt I’d have lasted long on the streets.  But then there was this old lady who seemed to…like me.  I probably owe her my life.”

“I’m glad she was there for you,” Sam said.

“Yeah.  She never turned me away whenever I went to see her.  And she always had something for me to do, or journals for me to read, and food.  I actually put on a few pounds thanks for her.  She used to say I was too skinny, like some feral cat.” He smiled at that, obviously caught up in his memories. “She used to feed the feral cats in the area, and got me involved with that too.  She used to catch them, get them neutered or spayed and then returned them to the street.  Occasionally she was able to find homes for them, but more often not.  She probably saw me as another stray in need of help.  I know that she cared for me, more than, well, anyone has.”

“See, not all bad memories, then?” Sheppard said.

The voice returned to state that Phase Three was about to start.

“Not yet anyway,” Rodney murmured.

----------------

Chapter Four – If you break your leg, don’t come running to me… 

The voice informed them that it was Spring 1982

Rodney and his family were seated around the dining table, just finishing up the main meal. 

“Jeannie, I bought you your favourite for dessert,” his mother said lightly, taking a cake out of a tin.  “Lemon cake.”

“Oh!” Jeannie smiled in delight, and then caught Rodney’s scowl.  She seemed to deflate slightly, but soon perked up again when a slice of cake was placed in front of her.

“May I have something else, please?” Rodney asked sullenly.

“No, you may not,” his father answered, “But you may go to your room.”

It was not a suggestion.  Rodney shoved his chair back forcefully, and angrily went to his room.  Once there he picked up a book and started reading.

There was a feeling of time passing, and they were informed by the voice that it was an hour later. 

A knock was heard at Rodney’s door, followed by a tentative, “Mer”.

He sighed, put his book down and opened the door, letting Jeannie in.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I wish I’d never told them it was my favourite, they never get you something else for dessert when they do this.  But I managed to get some cookies to take to my room for later.” She offered a kitchen roll wrapped bundle to him. “Don’t worry, I made sure I washed my hands thoroughly before handling them.”

“Thanks,” he said with a sad smile. “It’s not your fault.  They just like to mess with me, you know that.  You can’t help liking lemon cake anymore than I can help being allergic to it.”

Jeannie smiled happily at that.

“I’ve gotta go.  Sarah and Tracy are coming over later.”

“Yeah, I know, a pyjama party.  Try not to squeal too much.” He put the cookie package down on his desk. “Thanks.”

Jeannie skipped out of the room, obviously feeling that she’d made things better, though Rodney didn’t seem much happier than before. 

“Three girls,” he snorted. “No one’s getting much sleep tonight.”

He unwrapped the cookies, and returned to his book whist munching on them.

The scene changed again and they were informed that it was one week later.

Rodney was standing in the living room, with his father looking down at him.

“So, what do you have to say for yourself?  Jeannie told me that you said rude things about your mother behind her back.  I’m not having any son of mine disrespect his parents.”

“Jeannie’s just angry ‘cos I accidentally broke her radio, even though I fixed it for her.  She’s telling tales.  I didn’t say anything bad about Mom.”

“Don’t you dare make things worse by saying that Jeannie’s lying.  Jeannie isn’t the liar in this family!” his father shouted.

“Oh, yes, I forgot, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.  She’s a real goody-two-shoes, isn’t she?”

“You’re nothing but a lying, obnoxious brat, who should never have been born.”

“You mean if you hadn’t have gotten Mom up the duff, you and she would never have got married.  So it’s my fault that you’re at each other’s guts.  At least you hide your hatred from Jeannie most of the time.  She’s lucky you actually wanted her, wanted a girl.  But me, no, I’m to blame for you two being together.”

“Less of the cheek,” his father bellowed, slapping him across the face.

Rodney glared daggers at his father, but said nothing.  His father was clearly still angry, but held himself from further violence.

“Go to your room, you ungrateful brat.  And you can stay there for the rest of today and tonight, and forget about dinner.  You keep this up, and I’ll take the belt to you.”

“And I told you what’ll happen if you do.  I’ll get Jeannie and me taken away from you.”

“No one’s going to believe you,” his father said, grabbing him by the arms and giving him a shake. “And I’m sure we can explain the injuries away.  An accident, or maybe blame it on the bullies at school.” His father then let him go, pushing him away.  Rodney stumbled, but regained his balance before falling.  “Now go to your room, before I change my mind and get the belt out.”

Rodney ran to his room, slamming the door and pushing the bolts home.  He was shaking, and started pacing his room. 

“Well, he did say Jeannie could be a brat at times,” John said.

“He wasn’t kidding,” Sam frowned. “What is he up to now?”

Rodney had grabbed a bag and started filling it with some clothes and toiletries, and then opened his bedroom window and slipped out, his room being on the ground floor.

They found themselves outside, and followed him as he ran.  It didn’t look like he was heading in any particular direction, just running away from his home.  Eventually, he came to a park, and darted in, heading into a clump of trees.  He hunkered down against one of the trees, and John and Sam realised that he couldn’t be seen from the main park area or paths.

He shivered, and then the silent tears started.

“Crap, I hope he’s not doing something stupid, like running away,” Sheppard said. “And that silent crying?  It’s just creepy.”

“Doesn’t want to be heard, obviously.” Sam looked around. “Not that anyone would probably hear him in here.”

Although they couldn’t interact with Rodney, they both sat down close to him, hoping that McKay might be aware of them in some way.  He had said something along those lines earlier.

Time passed again, and it was getting dark.  McKay had stopped crying a while ago, and had actually fallen asleep.  Now, he woke up and looked around, obviously not sure where he was at first.  Then he got to his feet, picked up his bag, and started walking.  They soon realised he was heading in a homeward direction.

“Maybe he’s decided running away is a bad idea,” John said.

“I hope so.  I don’t like the idea of him being on the streets.”

As they reached Rodney’s neighbourhood, he veered off and headed to Mrs D’s house.  She was clearly surprised to see him, but let him in straight away.

“Oh, Rodney, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said sullenly.

“Now, don’t you be like that, boy.  It’s not ‘nothing’ that’s brought you to my door at dusk,” she scolded gently, taking a good look at him. “And it looks like someone’s taken a hand to your face there.”

“Jeannie told Dad a load of lies, and got him mad at me.” He looked lost. “I knew she was angry at me.  I mean, I borrowed her radio without asking and broke it, but I fixed it too!  And said I was sorry!” Now he looked bewildered. “Why would she do that?  Why’d she lie and get me into trouble?”

“Ah, that’s just the way it is sometimes.  She must have been so mad she wasn’t thinking straight.  No doubt she’ll feel bad about it later and apologise.”

“I won’t forgive her,” he stated forcefully. “She doesn’t deserve me to.”

“You will forgive her, Rodney.  She’s your sister and you love her.  If you can’t forgive those you love, then you’re not the boy I think you are.”

“But… but… it’s so unfair!”

“Life isn’t fair, and I think you know that, don’t you?”

“Life’s a bitch…”

“Rodney McKay, you watch your language around me, young man,” Mrs D said sternly.

“Sorry.” He looked away. “Sorry.  Don’t be mad at me too,” he all but begged.

“I’m not mad at you.  Come on, give this old lady a hug,” she said, holding out her arms.  Rodney bent down to hug her, and she pulled him close as the tears came again. “That’s it, now, you just let it all out.  It’s all going to be okay, you’ll see.”

After a few minutes, he pulled back, looking embarrassed.

“I… I don’t want to go home, but I have to, don’t I?”

“Running away isn’t the answer,” Mrs D said.

“I know.” He looked at her. “I better go back.  Not that they’re likely to miss me.  I’m supposed to stay in my room until the morning.”

“You had anything to eat tonight?”

“Um, no.”

“Well then, let me make you some sandwiches to take back with you.  Don’t want you getting one of those hypoglycaemic reactions.  Near frit me to death that time you had one here.”

“Thanks, Mrs D.”

The scene altered again and the voice told them it was Autumn 1983.  They found themselves on a street, with about four boys pushing Rodney about and taunting him.  Two of the boys managed to get his coat off from him, and then ran to a nearby tree and threw it upwards.  It landed high in the branches.

After some more pushing and taunting, the gang ran off, leaving Rodney shaking on the sidewalk, looking up into the tree.  He started to climb it to retrieve his coat.

“Oh crap, don’t fall, McKay,” John breathed.

“How did they manage to get it to land so high up?” Carter mused.

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not,” she said. “And I hope he doesn’t fall from there.”

As they watched, he managed to reach his coat, and pushed it so that it fell to the ground below him.  And then he froze, obviously having realised just how far up he was.  It was hard for them to watch and not be able to help him, as he started to shiver in fear.  But he managed to get control of himself and started back down.

He made it nearly to the bottom before he lost his footing and fell about six feet to the floor.  He screamed, his left arm taking the brunt of his weight.

“No,” John moved forward, but stopped as he realised there was nothing he could do.

Rodney lay still, breathing rapidly, and muttering a string of “ow”s.  It was a good ten minutes before he struggled into a sitting position, and another four or five before he managed to pick up his coat and the bag he’d left on the ground, and moved off, holding his left arm against him.

He didn’t head home.  He went to Mrs D’s house instead.

It was hard to watch him walking, limping really.  He was obviously in some pain.

When he reached his destination, Mrs D immediately set about checking his injuries.

“How did this happen?” she asked, carefully manipulating his arm.

“Ow, ow, that hurts,” he whined.

“I know it does, but I need to feel if it’s broken.”

“Ow,” he said again, scrunching his face up in pain.

“Hmm, I don’t think it’s broken, but there could be a fracture.  Better call your parents, they need to take you to the hospital to get it checked out properly.”

“No, I don’t want to bother them.  Can’t your neighbour take us down there?”

“Your parents need to be there, to sign things.  I’m not your legal guardian.” 

“Wish you were,” he muttered, then winced again.

“I’ll ring them if you like.  How did this happen, anyway?”

“Some kids threw my coat into a tree and I had to climb up to get it.  I fell on the way back down.”

“That was both dangerous and stupid.  Your life is worth more than some coat.”

“But…” he looked at his feet and muttered. “I don’t think they’d buy me another coat.  I’d have to use my old one, which doesn’t really fit anymore, and everyone at school will laugh at me.”

“Still not worth this, Rodney,” she said, heading for the phone.

The scene changed to show Rodney entering his home with his Dad following him.  His left arm wasn’t in a cast, but was held in a sling.

“I’m disappointed in you,” his father said. “You shouldn’t be such a wuss over a few bruises and a sprain.  Not to mention not standing up to those boys in the first place.  You’re a real disappointment to me.  How I ever fathered such a spineless, pathetic kid I’ll never know.”

“They said it was a bad sprain.”

“Shut up!  I don’t want to listen to your whining.  Dragging me out in the evening for a stupid little sprain.  I have better things to do with my time than be a nursemaid to you!”

“I’ll go to my room, then,” Rodney said, walking off without waiting for a reply.

“You do that.  Go hide in your room, like always.  Stupid brat.”

They followed Rodney to his room, where he dropped his school bag on his bed and dug out a paper bag that proved to contain a bottle of pills, presumably from the hospital.  He also dug out a bottle of water and a chocolate bar.  Eating the bar, he then managed to open his medicine bottle single-handedly and swallowed some pills.  Changing into pyjamas, he slid into bed, but after a few moments of trying to get comfortable, gave up and went to sit at his desk instead, pulling out a notebook to work on some project or other.

“I really, really feel like decking his father right now,” Sheppard growled.

“Not the only one,” Sam said angrily, as they watched him sitting dejectedly at his desk.

The scene faded away and they were back on Atlantis with Rodney again…

----------------
 
Rodney stood up and moved away angrily.

“Damn it, this just won’t stop, will it?”

“McKay…” Sheppard started.

“I know, I know, we don’t have much choice.  Doesn’t mean I like this.”

“We know,” Sam said gently.

“What does it want from me?  What’s the point of all this?  If it’s some sort of psychological tool, then it not only sucks, but I’m thinking it doesn’t work either.  I’m not feeling ‘better’ for discussing this stuff.”

“Rodney…”

“No, don’t ‘Rodney’ me, Sheppard.  I’m sick of this.  Sick of reliving things I didn’t want to live through the first time.  Sick of talking about it, of you both being here and seeing it.  I just…”

“Rodney,” Sheppard said more forcefully, grabbing McKay’s arms and stilling his angry movement. “This isn’t helping.”  Rodney pulled away in annoyance.

“We don’t want this any more than you do,” Sam reminded him.

“I know that!” Rodney shouted, and then looked away, embarrassed at his outburst. “Sorry, sorry.  This is…it just…”

“Sucks,” John finished.

“Yeah.  Sorry.” He perched against the table. “I just don’t see what the point is.  So, my parents hated me, you already know that.  And yeah, Jeannie was a brat that time and got me into trouble.  It felt like she’d betrayed me, and it hurt, so I nearly did something really stupid like run away.  But Jeannie did apologise, and I did forgive her, and it was okay in the end.

“And you already knew I was bullied, so what was the point of showing us that?  I was bullied, I fell out the tree and the only one who seemed concerned was Mrs D.  Well, Jeannie was worried about me when she found out, well, for a bit anyway.  I mean, it was only some very big and ugly bruises and a sprain, a bad one maybe, but it wasn’t like it was broken.  Why should they be too worried about that?  Mrs D made a fuss of me for a while, but no one else did.  So what?  That was normal for me.”

“But it shouldn’t have been.” Sam shook her head. “It shouldn’t have been normal for you, for anyone.”

“This machine, maybe it’s as much about sharing something with your friends as much as it is about any psychological mumbo jumbo.”   

“Maybe.” Rodney closed his eyes briefly.  “I just hope it all stops soon, I don’t think I can take much more of this.”

“You’ll be fine, McKay,” John stated. 

“We’ll help you,” Sam said. “If you let us.”

“Yeah,” John agreed. “What Carter said.  You know, maybe it’s a good thing you’re not alone in this.”

Rodney merely snorted at that thought, but seemed to relax a little.

The voice returned to inform them that Phase Four was about to commence.

“Here we go again,” McKay said morosely.

----------------

Chapter Five – Parting is such sweet sorrow…

And the scene changed.  The voice said is was Summer 1984

Rodney was inside Mrs D’s home, in her living room, and was pacing, clearly upset over something.  Mrs D was watching him.

“Sit down, boy, you’re giving me a headache, pacing about like that.”

He stopped his pacing, and sat down on the couch, but his legs were still jittering.

“Well, what’s got you so worked up this time?” Mrs D demanded, but not unkindly.

“They’re throwing me out,” he said, clearly shocked. “My parents, they told me that now I’m sixteen I’ve got to get a job and get out.  They’ve given me four weeks, and after that, they want me gone.  I knew… I mean, I suspected they’d chuck me out when I was eighteen, though I was intending to be gone before then anyway, but I didn’t think they’d do it now.”

“They’re idiots.  But we know that, don’t we?”

“True.  I think, maybe, that being offered a place at York this autumn might be it.  If I’m old enough to start university early, then I’m old enough to get a job and find a place to live.” He stood up and returned to his pacing. “The scholarship covers tuition and accommodation, but nothing else, so I was going to work anyway to save up for living expenses, books, that sort of thing.  But now, now I’ve got to use that money for rent as well, starting in four weeks.  It means I won’t have as much put by for when I start, and I’ll have to work more doing the semesters than I had intended too.  It’s just not fair.  They know this, and they’re doing this just to be mean.”

“Rodney,” Mrs D said sharply, gaining his attention. “Sit yourself back down.”

He looked at her sheepishly, and plopped himself back down.

“Sorry.  It’s just…”

“Not fair.  I know." She smiled. “But, it’s not all bad.  You can move in with me.”

“What?  No, no, you don’t want that.”

“I think I should know by my age what I do and don’t want, young man.  You’ll move in here until you start at York.  And you can come and visit whenever you want after that, especially during the summer vacation.”

“Oh, okay.” Rodney looked uncertain. “Um, how much rent will you want?”

“None,” she said, before sighing. “Well, maybe a small contribution towards the extra food, but nothing more.  It’ll be a pleasure for this lonely old lady to have you underfoot more than usual.”

He laughed at that.

“Mrs D, you’re anything but a lonely old lady, and you know it.” He grinned.  “You are, however, a highly manipulative and smart old girl.”

“Less of the cheek, boy.” But Mrs D was smiling happily.

“Okay, I’ll move in.”

“Good.  Now, where were you thinking of getting a job?”

“Oh, well, the local supermarket is looking for people to stack shelves at night.”

“Humph, you can do better than that, I’m sure.  Let me have a word with a good friend of mine.  He’s involved in these new fangled computer things.  I’m sure he can find something better for you to do than stack shelves.  Of course, you’ll have to be on your best behaviour.  None of this snapping or superiority crap.”
 
“If I can do something with computers, I’ll be good,” Rodney said, his eyes lighting up at the thought. “Well, I’ll try, at least,” he added honestly.

“Okay, it’s sorted then.”

“Er, well, don’t you have to ask him first?”

“Oh, there won’t be a problem.  Derek wouldn’t want to upset the poor lonely little old lady, now would he?  Especially as he owes me one.”

Rodney laughed, shaking his head in genuine amusement.

“I’d say it was a done deal.” He smirked.

“Of course it is.”

----------------

The scene changed again and they were informed that it was Spring 1986.

They were in a hospital room.  Mrs D was in bed, looking extremely ill, and Rodney had just sat down next to her.  Although there was another bed in the room, it was unoccupied and so they were alone.

“Rodney, my boy, I wasn’t expecting you to come,” Mrs D’s voice was strained, but welcoming.

“I…I had to,” Rodney said. “I asked for some time out from the university, for personal reasons, and they agreed to it.  After all, it won’t take me long to catch up with anything I miss.  And I had to see you.  Before…” he stopped, his voice choking up.

“Ah, I’m so sorry, this must be hard for you.”

“You shouldn’t be apologising, it’s not your fault.”

“I know.”

“Do they…have they started treatment yet?”

“No, Rodney.  There’s nothing they can do for me.  I’m dying.”

“No, no, you can’t!” he said, denying the truth. “You can’t.  Why aren’t they treating you?  Cancer,” his voice broke on that word, “Isn’t always deadly.  They can do things to cure it.”

“Not for me, Rodney.  It’s too fast growing.  By the time I realised there was a problem, it was already too late for me.  I’m riddled with it, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.” She looked at him with compassion in her eyes. “I’ve made my peace with this.”

“It’s not fair,” he said, fighting back the tears.

“Life is rarely fair,” she held out her arms. “Give this lonely old lady a hug, then.”

Rodney fell into her embrace, crying.  She held him as he cried, tears falling from her own eyes, and talking to him in soothing tones, words of reassurance.

Both John and Sam felt uncomfortable watching this, but trying to leave the room didn’t work, so they stood by and watched as Mrs D comforted a distraught Rodney.

It was a few minutes before he was able to pull himself back together.  Mrs D smiled at him gently.

“You’re going to be alright,” she said. “I know you will.  You’re strong, and you’re smart.  I’m expecting great things from you, the future Dr Rodney McKay.  I know you don’t believe in heaven, or anything such as that, but if there is a hereafter, then I’ll be watching you.  And I know you’ll make me proud.” She sighed.  “Science is a wonderful thing, but it can also be a dreadful thing.  It could destroy this world, or it could save it.  You’d better be in the latter part of that, young man, or I’ll swear, if there is a hereafter, I’ll find a way back to kick your butt!”

“If anyone could do that, it’d be you, Mrs D,” he said, smiling weakly.

“You’d better believe it!  So, we have that established.  You’re going to do great things and save the world one day.  And there’s something else I want from you.  I want a promise, that you’ll never give up on people.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I know you, Rodney, and I know the life you’ve led.  You push people away, so that they can’t hurt you.  And after this, I can imagine you’re going to think it is the best way to avoid this kind of hurt as well.  Well, I won’t have it.  Would you have preferred never to have met me, never to have known me, so that you could save yourself from this pain?”

“No, of course not!”

“Of course not,” she agreed. “So don’t push others away either.  You don’t know when another friend such as me might come along.  And you wouldn’t want to miss out on another friendship like this, would you?  So I want you to promise me that no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how many false friends hurt you or betray you, you won’t give up on the hope of finding another friend, friends even, out there.  I hope you find one soon, but even if you don’t, promise me you won’t give up on it. 

“You’re a special person, and that’s going to attract some of the wrong types, already has I know, but you’re stronger than them.  Smarter than them.  I don’t expect you to change your ways, to stop pushing people away, not completely.  But leave the door ajar.”

“I…will try.  But it’s hard…”

“I know it’s hard, to be hurt again and again.  It cuts deep, but not everyone is out to get you, boy.  Not everyone is going to be a false friend.  Just leave it ajar a little.  I know you’ll find people you can trust, if you don’t stop looking.  Don’t give up on that hope.  Now promise me.”

“I promise,” it was quiet. “And I will be the best of the best.  You might not be able to see me achieve it, but I’m going to save the world.  For you, because of you.”

“Good.” She closed her eyes. “I’m tired.  I think I’ll sleep for a little while.  You don’t need to stay.”

“No, I’ll stay.  I’ll stay until the end.”

“You’re a good boy, Rodney.  A good man.  I’m proud of you.” 

Silence descended as Mrs D slept.  Rodney took a science journal out of the bag he had brought with him, and started to read, glancing at Mrs D from time to time, as if reassuring himself she was still alive.

----------------

They found themselves back in the conference room.

“Oh crap,” Sheppard said quietly.

Rodney was hunched over the desk, shaking.  Sam sat next to him, and put her hand on his shoulder, in silent support.  Sheppard moved over to do the same.

It was a few minutes before the shuddering stopped and Rodney raised wet eyes to look at them, before looking away, embarrassed by his breakdown.

“Sorry, just hit me,” he whispered, wiping his sleeve over his eyes, and pulling himself back together.

“Yeah, understandable,” John said, giving his shoulder a pat before pulling away.

“She died the next day, you know.  At least you didn’t see that.”

“You were there?” Sam asked.

“When she died, yes.  Passed away in her sleep.” He gave a grim smile. “At least it was peaceful.”

“Always a good thing, that,” Sheppard agreed.  “You don’t have to talk about it.  Screw the program, this… it has no right to do this to you, or us.”

“No, it doesn’t.  But not knowing what is going on outside, or how long…”

“I think we can wait for a while.  Give Dr Zelenka time to get us out of here,” Carter added. “This is getting… intense.”

Rodney nodded and remained silent for a few minutes.  They turned the talk to other things, such as what would be the first thing they’d do when they returned to Atlantis.  Carter’s was a long hot shower, Sheppard thought that sounded like an excellent idea, but went red when McKay said snidely that he didn’t think Sam would share it with him. 

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” John snapped.

Rodney merely smirked at that, and then went on to describe the three, no four, course meal he was going to have once they got back.  Followed by a shower, preferably with, but most likely without Sam.  Sam slapped him upside the head for that comment.

“Ow.”

“You deserved that,” John said with a smirk.

“Did not,” Rodney whined.

“Did too,” Sam replied and then threatened. “Want me to do it again?”

“Er, no.”

The voice had given the instruction to discuss the memories three times now.

“Discuss memories,” it intoned a fourth time, “Or this phase will be repeated.”

“Oh, well, if you put it like that,” Rodney groused.

“Crap. I don’t think any of us what to see those memories again,” Sheppard said. 

Rodney nodded, sighed heavily and tried to compose himself.

“So, she died.  And it sucked.  Really, really sucked.” He paused for a moment. “You know, she left me some money.  $50,000, in fact.  The rest went to cat charities, which was just so like her.  I hadn’t expected her to leave me anything, but I guess she wanted to make sure I had the funds to be able to save the world.” He smiled. “And I did help to save the world, once.  You know, when Anubis supercharged the gate.  Well, after making things worse first, of course,” he said with a sigh. “I’m not sure how she’d have reacted to me blowing up five sixths of a solar system.”

“Probably would have kicked your butt, and then reminded you of all the times you’ve saved Atlantis, not to mention your team.”

“Hmm, probably.  I broke the other promise though.  The one about not giving up on people or the hope that I’d find friends one day.  I tried to hang on to that, but I just seemed to attract people who would use me and then discard me.  Or stab me in the back when I least expected it.  So, I gave up.  Pretty much came to terms with being alone for the rest of my life.”

“I’m sure she would have understood.”

“I’m sure she would have kicked my butt again.” He laughed. “She was good at that.  She never took any crap from me.”

“I got that impression,” Carter said.

“Yeah.” Rodney sighed again. “And she was right.  I shouldn’t have given up.  But I really didn’t think I would ever be accepted by anyone, so why bother trying?  Then Antarctica happened.  Elizabeth…she wasn’t phased for a minute by my less than stellar personality.  Even dared to tease me at times.” He shook his head.

“Yeah, Elizabeth’s good with people,” Sheppard agreed.

“It wasn’t just her, though.  There was this damn Scottish doctor that seemed determined to befriend me.  Still have no idea why Carson would want to do that.  And then, on Atlantis, this flyboy Major who just wouldn’t leave me be.  Even wanted me on his team and just wouldn’t take no for an answer.” He glared at a grinning Sheppard.  “I seem to remember agreeing to one mission, Colonel.  One!”

“I don’t remember that,” John lied with a grin.

“Right, sure.” Rodney shook his head again. “You know, I couldn’t believe you wanted me on your team.  I mean, the SGC would probably have buried the gate before letting me through it on a team.  Not that I would have wanted that, back then.  Crap, you should have heard the sighs of relief when they realised I was going to another galaxy!  Yet, you were determined to drag me off world.”

“I wanted the best.  That was you. Of course, it meant Teyla and I had to do more work, smoothing over things with the natives when you insulted them.  After all, you’re not known for keeping your opinions to yourself.  You’re a bit better now, just a bit.” He grinned. “At least now you don’t go offering to build nuclear bombs for people…”

“I did not offer to build the Genii a bomb!  I just…”

“Let them know you were capable of doing so.  Yeah, and how many times did they try to kidnap you after that?”

“Once.  Okay, twice, maybe.” McKay looked annoyed. “At least I don’t have this thing for ascended women.”

“Hey, can I help it if I attract enlightened beings?”

“Not so enlightened, if you ask me,” Rodney snorted.

“Now, boys, play nicely,” Sam said with a grin.

Rodney looked affronted, whilst Sheppard looked innocent.

“He started it,” John said.

“Oh please, you really are a kid, aren’t you?” Rodney responded.

“Yep,” Sheppard said proudly, with a smirk.

The voice returned at that point, informing them of the start of Phase Five.

----------------

Chapter Six – There’s no place like home…

The voice informed them it was Spring 1987.  They were standing at the front of a lecture hall, the lecture having apparently just ended.  Rodney was waiting near the front of the hall, waiting for the lecturer to finish discussing something with another student.

As the conversation finished, Rodney approached the lecturer, who looked less than pleased with him.

“McKay, and to what do I owe the dubious pleasure of your company?” the guy said snidely.

“Just curious why you gave me a D minus for my work, sir,” Rodney said.  The ‘sir’ was disrespectful and clearly designed to annoy the lecturer.

“Because that’s all it deserved.  Your theories were more science fiction than fact, and I was actually generous to give you a grade at all.”

“My theories were backed up with the proper scientific research,” Rodney spit out. “Just because you’re too dense to follow my work…”

“Enough!” the lecturer shouted. 

“No, sir.  I want someone else to look at my paper.  Someone who might actually be able to understand it.” McKay stood his chin out in a very familiar pose of arrogance and defiance.

“If you have a problem with my marking, then I suggest you see Professor Hargrove.  I’m sure she will decide in my favour in any dispute.  She trusts my grading implicitly.  You got the grade you deserved, if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.”

The lecturer gathered his notes together.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do with my time than argue with you.”

The guy stormed out, leaving a fuming McKay behind him.

“Fine,” he said to thin air. “And I’m sure that Professor Hargrove will have someone check my paper, if she doesn’t do it herself.”

The scene started to change, but then stilled.

“Aborting program,” came the disembodied voice.  And then they were back in the chairs, with the visors retracting.

“At last,” Sheppard said, sitting up and checking on the other two. “You okay?”

“A little tired, but alright,” Sam replied.

“McKay?”

“Tired, hungry and thirsty, the usual,” was the muttered reply, “But extremely glad it’s over.”

Carson and his team moved in on them, explaining that the force field had stopped them from approaching them earlier.  After some checks and general fussing, they were deemed to be slightly dehydrated, and in need of a good meal and some rest.

McKay and Carter tried to escape the clutches of the medical team long enough to look over what Radek had found out about the machine, but were stopped before they made it more than a few steps.

“Ach, no you don’t,” Carson said. “You can talk with Radek later, right now you’re going back to Atlantis to eat and sleep.”

“Carson, I’m…we’re fine,” Rodney argued.

“You can come back and play with your new toy later,” Carson said, crossing his arms over his chest and putting on his most insistent ‘doctor’ face.  Rodney sighed and threw up his hands.

“Fine.  Fine.” He stomped off towards the exit of the building.  Carter looked at Beckett with renewed respect.

“Well,” she said, “If that look is enough to make McKay back down, I think I’d better cut my losses and head back to Atlantis too.”

“You do that, lass,” Carson smiled broadly. “Of course, I’m sure a veteran explorer such as yourself wouldn’t be scared by the threat of a few wee needles, now would you?”

“She should be,” Sheppard came up beside them.  “And don’t be fooled by the use of the word ‘wee’.  Have you seen the size of some of those things?” He shuddered in mock horror.

“Ach, away with you,” Carson said. “I save the big ones for life or death situations.  Or people who escape from the infirmary before they’ve been released.” 

Carter shuddered herself at the not so innocent smile on the physician’s face, and allowed herself to be guided to the waiting jumper, and the sulking Canadian onboard it, along with Sheppard. 

She had this sudden urge to hug Dr Lam when she returned home.

----------------

A few hours later found Rodney working on his laptop in his lab, as Sheppard and Carter entered.

“Here he is,” Sheppard said, looking to Sam. “If in doubt, check his lab.”

Rodney looked up, annoyed at the interruption.

“Is that the information Dr Zelenka retrieved from the machine?” Sam asked before Rodney could snap at them. 

“Yes.”

“So, going to share?” she asked, with no intention of taking no for an answer.  McKay gave a heavy sigh.

“Fine.” He pushed the laptop towards her, as she pulled up a chair.

“Figured out why it did what it did?” Sheppard pushed himself up onto the table, swinging his legs slightly.

“From what Radek was able to find out, it was designed for psychological purposes, but having been abandoned for a few thousand years, it malfunctioned.  It was supposed to be programmed to search for one or two particular memories that the ‘subject’ would relive and the ‘watcher’ or ‘watchers’ would, well, watch.  And then there would be a discussion, followed by the program ending.  Unfortunately, the machine malfunctioned and chose a ‘subject’ and ‘watchers’ despite not having been programmed to look for a specific memory.

“So, without the parameter of one or two memories, it chose the memories itself, and then went into a loop of sorts.  Which caused us to experience several phases instead of just one.”

“Did it have a failsafe?” Carter was glancing through the information, but asked anyway.

“Yes, though it would have been a few hours before the machine determined that our physical bodies were in danger and brought us out of it.  Personally, I’m grateful Radek was able to get us out before that.  Pity he couldn’t have gotten us out earlier.”

“I’m sure he worked as fast as he could,” Sheppard said. “He did get us out in the end.  Could the malfunction be fixed?”

“Probably, but it’s not high on the lists of things to do,” Rodney said.  “Dr Heightmeyer believes that, while it could be useful in some limited cases, on the whole it has the potential to do more harm than good.  Elizabeth has agreed that we should concentrate our efforts on more useful projects.  Radek pulled the control crystals, as well as the ones for the power source, and brought them back here.  The machine is now harmless should anyone else wander in by accident.”

“That’s good,” Sam said. “Wouldn’t want anyone else to be pulled into the program like us.”

“No, definitely not,” Rodney agreed.

“How are you coping?”

“I’m fine.”

“Sure,” Sheppard scoffed. “You’ve just relived some bad memories, shared them involuntarily with us, but of course, you’re fine.”

“Okay, I’m not fine.  But I will be.” Rodney glared at John.

“If you need to talk…” Sam started.

“I don’t,” McKay snapped, before looking away.  “I did enough talking about things while trapped in that thing.  I really don’t feel the need to discuss any of it again.  I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, if you insist.  But you know where I am if you change your mind,” Sheppard said.  “There is one thing I’d like to know, though…”

“Oh, and what would that be?  Because I really don’t think…”

“That D minus grade…did it get changed?”

“Oh, that.”  Rodney smiled. “Yeah, eventually.  I kept complaining and insisting that someone else look at my work.  Made enough of a nuisance of myself that they finally gave in, got someone else to look at it, in the hopes of shutting me up.”

 “So?” Sheppard said, nudging him with an elbow when Rodney paused.

“So, what?”

“What was it changed to?” John asked in frustration. 

“A plus, of course.” He smirked.

“Of course,” Sheppard said with an exaggerated eye roll.

“Hey, it was an amazing piece of work.  Brilliant, and far beyond the understanding of the guy who took the course.”

“And you didn’t think to play it safe and stay within what the guy could understand?” Sheppard asked.

“Oh, please.”

“Of course he didn’t.  That wouldn’t have shown off his intelligence, now would it?  And we all know what the McKay ego is like,” Sam pointed out, with a grin.

“Never seen the point in hiding my genius,” Rodney muttered.

A polite cough came from the doorway, and they turned to see Beckett there.

“Now, I thought I told you three to get some rest?”

“Oh, well, just on my way now, Doc,” John said, slipping down from the table. “Just trying to persuade McKay here that it was a good idea.”

“Oh, and why do I doubt that?”

“I’ve no idea,” John said innocently, slipping past the physician. “Night everyone.” He headed for his quarters.

“Coward,” Rodney muttered under his breath.  Carter grinned and got up to leave.

“Night, Rodney, Dr Beckett,” she said, leaving as well.

“Rodney?”

“Oh, alright, Carson,” Rodney slapped the lid down on his laptop with more force than was really necessary.

“Don’t forget I want to check you over tomorrow, make sure there are no unexpected side effects.  Make sure to remind the two Colonels as well.”

“What am I?  Your messenger boy?  Remind them yourself.  I’ve got better things to do with my time.” He picked up the laptop and headed out of the lab.  Carson stopped him before he went very far.

“I’ll take the laptop.”

“What?  Oh, please, I’m just going to…”

“To continue working on it and not get any rest.  I know you too well, Rodney.  Now, please?”

“You’re a tyrant, you know that?  Fine, take it.” Rodney thrust the laptop into Carson’s hands and stalked off to his quarters in a huff.

“Aye, I know,” Carson muttered, turning to go to his own quarters, “but it’s the likes of you that have turned me into one.”

The End


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