Word
Count: 2,880
Rating:
PG13
Category:
AU. Angst.
Story Status:
Complete
Summary:
Set after
'The Hive', Season 2. Rodney has a secret, and it's time to
tell
his team-mates. AU as the background for Rodney does not fit
entirely with canon, and the team are more open than in the episodes.
Author's Note:
This
is AU partly because the childhood background in this story for Rodney
doesn’t really mesh up with canon, but also because the
characters are a more open with each other about things than I believe
is suggested in canon. You have been warned!
WARNING:
Talk about drugs
Beta:
Thank you to Jayne Perry for
the beta-reading.
Addiction
By Leesa Perrie
After Elizabeth and Caldwell left the infirmary, Sheppard turned to
Beckett.
“So, are Teyla and Ronon fit to go…”
“Actually, I’d like them to stay overnight, to keep
an eye on them.”
“But we are over the worst, are we not?” Teyla
asked.
“Aye, lass, I believe so, but I’d rather make
sure,”
Carson turned his gaze to Rodney. “And you as well.”
“What? No, no, no, you released me…”
Rodney started to protest.
“Aye, against my better judgement, and only because of the
need
to locate them.” He pointed to McKay’s team-mates.
Rodney scowled, and backed towards the door.
“I’m perfectly fine.”
“No, you’re not.” Beckett shook his head.
“Just
humour me, for once. It was a close
call…”
“What do you mean, a close call?” Sheppard asked,
clearly
confused. “I told Ford to reduce McKay’s
dosage.”
“He took a large dose…”
“He what?” Sheppard turned to glare at McKay, who
backed
further away at the look in Sheppard’s eyes, and then stood
up
straight, chin tilted in defiance.
“It was the only way to take out the guards,” he
snapped.
“I knew something must have gone wrong, and the only way to
get
the control crystals for the DHD was to get past the guards, and the
only way to do that was…”
“To take more enzyme,” Sheppard finished.
“Damn it, Rodney, you shouldn’t have.”
“Shouldn’t have? I had to get
help. It was the only way I could see to do that.”
“How much did he take?” John turned back to Carson.
“A lot, as much as Ford.”
“I had to be sure it was enough for me to take them
out,”
Rodney defended his actions, and then huffed a sour laugh.
“Not
that you needed my help in the end.”
“Actually, the Daedalus being there helped cause enough
confusion
for me to start attacking the other hive. I’m sure
a dart
headed in the wrong direction would have been noticed, maybe even
stopped…but…you shouldn’t have needed
to do
that,” Sheppard said, before continuing,
“I saw Ford
going through withdrawal. It was… bad.”
“Kanayo also suffered badly with the withdrawal,”
Teyla said.
“It killed him,” Ronon added.
“How bad was it, Doc?” Sheppard asked.
“Very. Which is why I want you back in the
infirmary.” Carson looked to Rodney again.
“And why I’d rather not.”
“Rodney…”
“Do as the Doc says,” John ordered.
Fear flashed across Rodney’s face briefly, before he turned
away, hands bunching at his sides.
“No,” he stated flatly, heading out the
door.
Sheppard moved quickly, getting in front of him and making him stop.
“That bad?” he asked, a little more gently,
searching Rodney’s face.
“Yes. You know, agony, raving lunacy,
restraints. I
seemed to recall accusing Carson of trying to kill me, more than
once. So yes, that bad. I’d rather not
stay in the
infirmary right now. I might be avoiding the place in the
near
future, in fact.”
“Doc?”
Carson sighed heavily, but wasn’t about to back down.
“Perhaps we could go to our balcony, if you would allow it,
Dr
Beckett,” Teyla suggested, referring to a balcony and the
room
leading to it that had been unofficially claimed by the team, in which
four lounge chairs and a couple of couches had somehow ended up.
“If it’d make you feel better, you could join us,
Doc. Keep an eye on everyone, in one place,
somewhere
quieter than here.”
“Och, alright,” Carson agreed
reluctantly. “And I will certainly be joining
you.”
“Look, you don’t need…” Rodney
started.
“The balcony or the infirmary, Rodney. Your
choice,” John said.
Rodney sighed, and then nodded.
Ronon and Teyla went to change back into their clothes, whilst Beckett
put together a med kit, just in case.
“We’ll meet you down there,” Sheppard
called to Carson, pulling Rodney after him.
----------------
Rodney had been quiet on the way to the balcony room, and Sheppard had
seemed content to leave him to his thoughts.
He’d known the Colonel would be angry, but he also knew the
man
would see that Rodney had seen no other option, and had needed to do
something to help. He wasn’t sure of Teyla and
Ronon, but
suspected they would understand. They certainly
hadn’t
seemed too bothered, well, no, they had looked unhappy to hear about
his withdrawal, but…
He wasn’t sure if Sheppard would trust him, though.
He
wasn’t sure if he could be trusted. Sure, the
physical need
for the enzyme was fading, and fading quite quickly now, but the need
was more than physical. Well, it could be. It had
been with
the…
No, don’t go there. That was different. A
different drug and a different time. A different need.
The thing was, he wasn’t sure what he would do if faced with
a
chance to take the enzyme again. Part of him, most of him he
hoped, wanted nothing to do with it. Hated the thought of it,
and
what it did to him. How it confused him, made his mind, his
most
important asset, worthless. But another part of him
was…thrilled…excited by the physical
effects. The
strength he had felt, the certainty of being able to take on any
opponent and win. Part of him wanted that, to be able to
fight
like that, to protect his friends, himself. But the cost was
too
high. Far too high. And he didn’t really
want that,
did he? He didn’t think he did, but he
wasn’t sure,
and that uncertainty scared him.
The last few months, even after Doranda, he had been learning to, in
essence, open up to his team. Maybe even because of
Doranda. He had started to let them in more than he had ever
let
anyone in before. Started to share bits with them.
And they
had returned that. He had learned more about
Teyla’s past
in the last few months than the year preceding that. Even
Sheppard had opened up about a few things. Ronon was still
reticent, but that was okay, though even he had shared one or two
things with them.
It was nice, in a way. Scary, too.
And he knew, no matter how scary this was, no matter what they might
think of him, he needed to tell them about these fears. So
that
they could watch him, make sure he didn’t give in and take
the
enzyme if an opportunity arose.
He needed to tell them about before, so that they understood his fears.
The truth this time. Not the oh-so-easy lie about toking pot
in college.
----------------
The weather was a little on the cold side, so they gathered onto the
couches and lounge chairs in the room facing the balcony.
They
could see outside, but remain in the warmth.
Carson insisted on giving Rodney a quick check over.
“You need to rest. Your body’s been
through a
terrible shock, and you’re not over it yet. I
shouldn’t have let you back on duty so soon.”
“Yes, I get that,” Rodney said irritably.
“I certainly shouldn’t have let you go on the
Daedalus. Wouldn’t have if I thought I stood the
slightest
chance of stopping you, stubborn idiot that you are.” Carson
sighed. “Still, after personally briefing Major Lorne, I was
sure
he could keep an eye on you.”
“I wondered why he sticking to me like glue,”
Rodney shook
his head. “Figured it was something like that. What
did you
do, put the fear of Scottish physicians into him? Threatened
to
play him your bagpipes CD, or feed him haggis?”
“Aye, something like that.” Carson
grinned. Rodney just rolled his eyes.
Silence descended for a few minutes, and Carson looked around the
room. It was the first time he’d actually been here.
There were some books and magazines abandoned around the room, as well
as a pack of cards, a couple of board games and a TV with video and DVD
player. It might seem strange, allowing a room to be taken
over
by four people, but it had happened gradually. The space was
used
by other people from time to time, but there was an unspoken agreement
between everyone on Atlantis that if Sheppard’s team wanted
it to
themselves, they got it. A sort of payment for saving their
lives
time and time again.
Carson knew he was privileged to be allowed to join them, this was
where they hung out as a team, where they could relax when not on
missions, where they could, in a sense, bond. Of course, this
time, it was a case of allowing him to join them, or having three
members confined to the infirmary, with the fourth no doubt hanging
around as well.
He was worried about Rodney, more than he wanted to let on.
He
had read the man’s medical file, had read
everyone’s who
had been here for any time, and knew there were things in his past that
would make this enzyme addiction more difficult for him.
Certainly on the psychological side. Bringing back bad
memories
at the very least. He would, of course, suggest Rodney spoke
to
Kate about these things, but somehow he doubted he would.
There
were some things he wouldn’t share with her. But he
might
share with his team, with a bit of careful prodding.
Of course, he couldn’t break doctor/patient confidentiality,
so
he would need to convince McKay to tell his friends himself.
He was trying to work out a way to get Rodney alone for a few minutes,
and what he would say to try and convince him, when Rodney astounded
him by making all of that unnecessary.
“Um,” Rodney started, looking at the floor.
“There’s something you guys need to know
about. I
assume you know, Carson, as it would be in my medical
records.”
“Aye, I think I know what you’re referring
to.”
Rodney fidgeted nervously.
“I…” he looked at his team-mates
briefly, before
going back to studying the floor. “It’s
about another
addiction.”
“Was this when you ‘toked pot at
college’?”
Teyla asked, stumbling over the wording slightly. “I do not
know
what that means, but the Colonel did not seem to be concerned about it,
so I did not think it was that bad.”
“Pot is another name for a drug on Earth called marijuana
that
people smoke, or toke as it is also known as. It can be
addictive
over time if used a lot, but usually it isn’t. Some
people
feel no effect, others feel relaxed, others feel high. There
are
other side effects as well, but that isn’t what
Rodney’s
referring to,” Carson said, giving a basic description.
“It isn’t?” Sheppard asked.
“No. I never toked pot,” Rodney said.
“It was one of my better misdirections.”
“So…” Sheppard prompted, with a bad
feeling about this.
“When I was ten, my father started using cocaine.
Not long
after, my mother joined him. I suspect he addicted her to it,
actually. Jeannie was about two, and I ended up having to
take
care of her more and more as time went on. I
don’t
know why, but when I was twelve, he got me addicted to it as
well. Pretty much kept me tied up until I was. It
was over
a year before anyone found out and put a stop to it. My
parents
ended up in prison, and Jeannie and I ended up in foster
care.
Well, Jeannie did. I ended up in rehab, and then eventually,
after a set back, I ended up in foster care. Not the same
foster
parents as Jeannie, though fortunately both sets of foster parents
lived fairly close by, so we did get to see each other most weeks,
but…well, we never really had a proper brother/sister
relationship, and I guess that’s part of how we ended up
estranged,” Rodney had stated all of this flatly,
whilst
studying a spot on the wall, not looking at anyone.
“That’s…how could a parent do
that?” John was shocked.
“This cocaine, how bad is it?” Ronon asked.
“Bad,” Rodney muttered. “Really
bad. When
you’re taking it, you feel this rush. A bit like
the
enzyme, only it doesn’t make you stronger, it just makes you
feel
like you can do anything. It’s an adrenaline rush,
you’re full of energy. I mean, there are other
things too,
and after a while you can’t get the same feeling from it, but
you
still want it. Want to feel like that.”
“And withdrawal?” Teyla asked, concerned.
“Is…really bad. You want it so much,
you’ll do
anything to get more. Beg, plead, lie, cheat,
whatever. The
first time, after three days I managed to give my
‘carers’
the slip. I was picked up a few days later, but not before
I’d stolen some money and found a supplier.”
Rodney’s
eyes had drifted to the floor again. “I was pretty messed
up. And even when the physical need was done with, the mental
need was still there. The compulsion, the need for the high,
I
don’t know. You still want it, even though you
don’t
need it. I was in rehab for over a year, and even then I had
to
report to someone daily for a long while. Eventually, it got
easier. I’m not sure quite when or how, but
sometime before
going to college, I realised that not only did I not want it anymore, I
actually wanted to avoid it at all costs.
“I’m just afraid that it will be the same with the
enzyme. I mean, most of me doesn’t want to, you
know, take
any more of it. But there’s this part of me that
liked the
feeling of…power, I guess. The feeling of being
able to
take out the tough guys for once. And that scares me.
“I don’t know if you can trust me
anymore. I don’t know if I can trust me any
more.”
As he had told his story, Carson had noticed how the other members of
the team had moved closer. Sheppard was now sitting next to
Rodney on the couch, with Teyla sitting the other side of
Rodney.
Carson had moved back slightly, to a chair close by, leaving room for
them. Ronon had stood up, and was now behind the couch, a
hand on
Rodney’s shoulder. He smiled to himself.
With friends
like these, he didn’t need to worry too much.
Rodney would
be okay, in time.
“We are here for you, Rodney,” Teyla said quietly.
“We can watch your back, help you overcome this.”
“We may not have taken as big a dose as you, McKay, but we
understand,” Ronon added to that.
“You were strong enough to get past one addiction,
you’re
strong enough to get past this, and if you need us to watch your back
for a while, we can do that.” Sheppard nudged his
shoulder,
causing Rodney to look at him. “But we, I, trust you,
McKay.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t.”
“There are many things we should not believe or
do,” Teyla
said. “And many things we have despite that. It is
what has
saved our lives more than once.”
“This will pass,” Ronon said. “And we
will be stronger for it. All of us.”
“Yeah. And now we know what lengths
you’ll go to, to
save our butts,” Sheppard smiled. “Though I hope
you never
have to do something as drastic as that ever again.
It’s my
fault. I underestimated Ford.”
“We all did, Colonel,” Rodney said.
“Do you really think he could still be alive?”
“Yeah, it’s possible. I don’t
intend to
underestimate him again, and surviving against the odds, well,
he’s done it once before, he could do it again,
somehow.”
“We will not give up on him,” Teyla stated
firmly.
“Nor will we give up on you. If you need to talk,
we will
listen.”
“I know. I’m beginning to understand
that.
I…maybe later. Right now,
this…” he looked at
his team-mates around him. “This is enough.”
“Good,” John said, getting up. “So, a
movie?”
“That sounds like a good idea,” Teyla smiled.
“Popcorn?” Ronon asked eagerly.
“Of course, you can’t have a movie without
popcorn!” Rodney exclaimed.
Sheppard opened a closet and pulled out some bags of popcorn that had
obviously been stashed there beforehand, and two large bowls to put it
in.
“So, who gets to choose the movie?” Rodney asked.
“I think Carson should, as our guest,” Sheppard
smiled.
“Oh, great, not Braveheart again!” Rodney groaned.
“Don’t be daft, lad,” Carson said.
“I
don’t want to watch an Americanized version of Scottish
history,
with all its flaws. And don’t start me on Mel
Gibson’s accent!”
Beckett checked over the selection, whilst the team busied themselves
sorting out the popcorn and drinks, which also appeared from the
closet, and arranging the seating.
“This one,” Beckett said, holding up a DVD with a
grin.
“Good choice, Doc,” Sheppard said, putting the DVD
into the player.
Everyone settled down to watch the film, smiling to themselves at
Rodney’s dismissive comments about how totally inefficient
humans
would be as batteries for any computers, intelligent or otherwise,
though he admitted that the special effects made up for the dreadful
plot, just.
No one said anything when he fell asleep part way through, they just
turned the sound up to drown out the worst of his snoring.
