Word Count: 2121
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Category: Humour. Angst.
Story Status: Complete
Summary: Rodney keeps getting into situations - and keeps learning from them!

Five Things Rodney Learned (while held against his will)
by Leesa Perrie & Jayne Perry

by clwilson2006
Cover art by clwilson2006

One: Siberia
Post 'Redemption' 

Rodney had been in Siberia for nearly a year, enduring a winter worse than any he'd ever had to endure in his home country. A winter made especially worse by the growing tension between Colonel Petrov, a tyrant in charge of the naquadah research facility, and himself. Really, the man was an idiot and seemed to be under the impression that Rodney was there as some sort of punishment by the Americans on the Russians for all the years of cold war between their countries.

That he'd been sent there as a sort of punishment for being more rational than Carter was something he was desperately trying to ignore, along with the fact that she had succeeded in saving Teal'c when he hadn't believed it was possible. He'd still been right though - risking all those lives for the sake of one made no logical sense at all.

Things finally came to a head with Colonel Petrov when one of the Russian scientists under him managed to nearly blow up the research facility - and just about half of Siberia as well. It wasn't his fault the moron hadn't listened when he had expressly forbidden the experiment that had almost caused their destruction! So it really wasn't fair when Colonel 'I-will-find-any-excuse-to-get-rid-of-you' banned him from the research facility until the SGC agreed to replace him. Although technically he had the run of the poor excuse of a town that surrounded the facility, everyone there had long ago stopped interacting with him unless they had to, so leaving his apartment didn't appeal. Besides, it was freezing out there.

Stuck indoors, denied access to his work, he increasingly felt like he was being held hostage by an arrogant and power hungry despot. Finally, bored out of his mind, he took a short trip to a local bookstore and another equally short trip to a food store and returned to his apartment, shivering fiercely despite wearing several layers of thermal clothing.

Well, at least if the SGC gave in to the megalomaniac colonel, he would be able to return to Area 51. Somewhere warm. In the meantime, he had a project to keep him occupied.

And so that was how Rodney McKay learned to make vodka.

Two: Area 51

Dusk was starting to fall as Rodney left Area 51 and he really wanted to be back in town before night fell. He had a morbid fear of losing the unlit desert road in the dark and ending up lost in the wilderness somewhere.

Fortunately, he made it back before darkness fell and pulled up outside his apartment. Getting out, he was about to grab his laptop from the car when a black van - and wasn't that just clichéd he thought later - screeched to a halt and two masked goons with guns jumped out and grabbed him.

"What do you want?" Rodney demanded, ignoring the squeak in his voice.

"Shut up," one of the goons growled, pointing a gun at him. Rodney decided that silence was probably a good idea after all and did as he was told.

Ten or so minutes later, the van swerved to a halt outside a nondescript house and he was motioned inside, where another masked goon was waiting. Rodney couldn't help wondering if they all got their clothes from 'Goons R Us' as they were all dressed identically.

"We want your pass codes to get into the Area 51 computers," the third goon said menacingly.

"What? They're on my laptop, which is in my car, which is currently sitting outside my apartment! You don't seriously think I have everything memorised, do you? That's a lot of codes!" Rodney hoped they believed him, because he didn't like the thought of being tortured if they didn't. Pain really wasn't his thing.

"Damn it, you should have brought the laptop with you," the goon shouted at the original two goons

"You just said to bring him," one of them replied petulantly.

Rodney was surprised, and relieved, at how quickly they believed him. He was tied to a kitchen chair that had obviously been moved into the living area for that purpose, and then the two original goons were ordered back to collect his laptop - which didn't contain any secret information on it. His work laptop was safe back in his lab at Area 51.

The third goon left the room and Rodney discovered that, not only were they stupid enough to believe him, they also weren't very good at tying knots. A few moments later, he was free and slipping out the front door. Looking round, he realised there were no nearby neighbours he could run to for help.

There was, however, an unlocked car, though unfortunately there were no keys in the ignition. Still, he was a genius right?

And so that was how Rodney McKay learned to hotwire a car.

Three: Borders

Rodney was wandering around the local Borders bookstore while on vacation in Vancouver, trying to find its science section, when a large group of protesters entered the store, blocking his way and effectively taking him hostage as they shouted their slogans and made their demands.

Sighing deeply as he realised he wouldn't be leaving anytime soon, he slipped unseen into an unoccupied section - which turned out to contain cookery books. That this was the only section of the store not occupied was particularly ironic, as the protestors were up in arms about a new foie gras recipe book.

Desperately wishing he had some paper so he could work on important things while waiting for the police to sort the mess out, he instead grabbed a cookery book off one of the shelves - not the foie gras one - and settled down on the floor to read. As he read, he became engrossed in the recipes, even considering the possibility of trying his hand at some of the more straightforward ones.

After the whole fiasco had been ended and order restored, Rodney bought the book and went home to try some of the recipes out.

And so that was how Rodney McKay learned to cook - badly.

Four: Cat World
Season 1, after 'Thirty Eight Minutes' before 'Suspicion'

The mission had gone south quickly, a group of Wraith appearing through the gate within thirty minutes of their arrival on M4G 920, and Rodney had somehow ended up separated from the rest of his team. Running scared, he tumbled down a hillside and, once back on his feet, found himself face to face with a huge cat-like creature, the size of a small truck.

"Um, nice kitty," Rodney said, his heart pounding wildly as he slowly starting to back away. The cat hissed and Rodney stood still, trying to send out 'I'm not prey' vibes.

Suddenly, the mega-cat turned and attacked...

...the two Wraith drones which appeared from the woods to their left. Rodney felt ill as he watched the mega-cat make short work of them and then sat back with a look of distaste on its face - that was not dissimilar to the look on his cat's face back on Earth, if he gave it a cat food it didn't like. Clearly, Wraith didn't taste very good - which, really, was something he had never given any thought to before now. Or would ever have expected to give thought to.

Shaking his head and trying to get the image out of his mind, Rodney again tried to edge further away from the mega-cat, only to be stopped this time by two smaller, though still the size of small horses, mega-cats running down the hillside to the right of him. They stopped and looked at him with wide kitten eyes, before approaching cautiously. Rodney had a feeling they hadn't seen a human before and hoped very hard that they didn't try to see if he was tasty or not.

The mother cat greeted them with a purr and lay down, and the kittens soon lost interest in Rodney, instead nursing enthusiastically from their mother. Rodney tried for a third time to slowly move away, but the mother mega-cat, clearly displeased, got back up and crouched in front of him - causing the kittens to mewl in annoyance at no longer being able to suckle.

The mother mega-cat leaned forward and Rodney closed his eyes so as not to see her teeth coming at him, before realising that she was just smelling him, not eating him. He wrinkled his nose at the bad breath, but stayed stock still.

Then she lay down on her front and made a chirring noise. One of the kittens bounded over to him and started prodding him towards the mother mega-cat with a paw and then nose. Reluctantly, he moved in the direction he was being pushed, and then suddenly a thought came to him. She wanted him to climb on to her back.

Blinking, Rodney told himself not to be so stupid, but the more he looked at the mega-cat lying before him, the more he was sure that was what she wanted. How he was so sure he didn't know - a feeling, animal behaviour, insanity?

And then realisation dawned.

"Huh. You're intelligent," he said out loud. The mega-cat meowed softly in agreement. "And telepathic, or at least, empathic."

The kitten pushed him again, causing him to nearly lose his footing.

"Yes, yes, I get it," he muttered in annoyance, and then taking a deep breath and hoping he wasn't making the biggest mistake of his life, he clambered onto the mother mega-cat's back, clinging on tightly when she swiftly rose. "Whoa!" he exclaimed, tightening his grip even more.

Soon they were moving and Rodney hoped that he wouldn't fall off, and then wondered if closing his eyes would be a good idea or not. Trying it, he soon realised that it only made the motion sickness worse, so he opened them. Ahead of them, the kittens were playing some form of tag. It was kind of cute. Not that he would be admitting that out loud to anyone, he had an image to maintain after all.

The gate suddenly came into view and Rodney sighed in relief as he spotted the surprised faces of Teyla, Sheppard and Ford waiting there. He yelled out to them, telling them not to kill the mega-cats who had helped him.

And so that was how Rodney McKay learned to ride an empathic, intelligent and, mostly friendly, mother mega-cat on M4G 920.

Five: M7R 661
Anytime Season 2 onwards

"Stupid Genii wannabes!" Rodney ranted as he paced the poorly lit, damp and smelly cell, before adding in a sarcastic tone, "Stupid flattering Genii wannabes: 'We've heard so much about you, Dr McKay. We've been told you know everything about technology there is to know, Dr McKay. We would love for you to look at our water purification system, Dr McKay. It would only take a few moments and maybe you could help our technicians with a little problem they are having, Dr McKay.' And of course Colonel 'Be-Nice-To-The-Locals' Sheppard thinks that's a great idea! Yeah, great idea Colonel! One of your better ones - I don't think!"

It had taken mere minutes for the untrustworthy backstabbers to separate him from his team, and then it was all 'what we'd really like is for you to build us nuclear weapons, Dr McKay' and when he'd said no, they'd thrown him into this dungeon to 'think things over' while they summoned for their so-called persuader to the jail. He shuddered with fear at the thought of what that might mean for him.

But before his mind could follow that dark line of thought and start imagining the worst, he heard the wonderful sound of P-90s close by. Standing back from the cell door - after all, he didn't want to get hit by any stray bullets coming through the bars - he waited impatiently.


Sheppard's voice had never sounded so sweet, not that he would ever admit that out loud.

"Here," Rodney shouted in response, and then there they were - his team, bearing the key to his cell, as well as his backpack and a P-90 of his very own.

"About time," he complained unconvincingly.

"You could try being grateful for a change," Sheppard retorted. "Besides, isn't it your turn to rescue me?"

"We must be quick," Teyla said before Rodney could respond, opening the cell door and gesturing for him to come out.

"Right, quick. I can do that," Rodney said, ignoring the snort Ronon made at his comment.

And so that was how Rodney McKay learned the value of being in a team - and of friendship.

The End

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